Signals & Misreads

Signals of High Relationship Literacy

• The "Pause": In a heated moment, they pause before speaking. (Self-Regulation).
• The "Soft Startup": They start a complaint gently. "Hey, I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about the dishes..."
• The "Turn Toward": When you make a bid for connection ("Look at that bird"), they acknowledge it. ("Oh, wow!").
• The "Meta-Conversation": They can talk about the relationship. "How are we doing lately?"

Signals of Relationship Illiteracy

• The "Four Horsemen": Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, Stonewalling. (See Dr. Gottman).
• Mind Reading: "If you loved me, you would know."
• Scorekeeping: "I did X, so you owe me Y."
• The "You" Statement: "You always..." "You never..."

The "It Shouldn't Be Hard" Misread

The Misread: "If we have to work at it, it's not meant to be." The Reality: Entropy is universal. Anything left unattended decays. Work (maintenance) is proof of value, not failure. Correction: Reframe "Work" as "Investment."

The "Conflict is Bad" Misread

The Misread: "We fought, so we aren't compatible." The Reality: Conflict is just information about unmet needs. Correction: Judge the repair, not the conflict.

The "Passion" Signal

The Signal: It feels calm. The Misread: "The spark is gone." The Reality: The drama is gone. Now you have space for intimacy. Correction: Don't confuse adrenaline with love.

The Ultimate Signal: Curiosity vs. Judgment

Literate partners are Curious ("Why did you do that? Help me understand.") Illiterate partners are Judgmental ("You did that because you are selfish.")

The “Repair Evidence” Signal

Watch what happens after conflict:

• Do they return and repair?
• Do they name their part?

Repair behavior is a stronger literacy signal than charm or chemistry.

: Research TODO: Add citations on repair attempts and relationship stability.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.