Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — The "Bid" Audit (24 Hours)

A "Bid" is any attempt to connect (a text, a smile, a comment). Pay attention to the bids you receive today (from anyone).

Track:

• How many did I miss? (Turning away).
• How many did I reject? (Turning against).
• How many did I accept? (Turning toward).

Goal: Turn Toward 80% of bids. "Oh really?" "Tell me more."

Exercise 2 — The Soft Startup (Practice)

Rewrite these harsh startups into soft ones.

1. Harsh: "You never take the trash out. You're so lazy."
   • Soft: "I feel frustrated when the trash piles up. I would appreciate it if you took it out tonight."
2. Harsh: "You care more about your friends than me."
   • Soft: "I'm feeling a bit lonely. Can we schedule a date night this week?"

Exercise 3 — The State of the Union (Weekly Ritual)

Establish a meeting (with yourself or a partner) to discuss the relationship. Agenda:

1. Appreciations: 5 things I appreciated this week.
2. New Information: upcoming schedule, stressors.
3. Needs: One thing I need to feel more loved this week.

Exercise 4 — The Time-Out Protocol

Create a rule for conflict. "If my pulse goes over 100bpm, or if I feel like yelling, I am allowed to call a Time Out. I must say: 'I am flooded. I need a break. I will be back in 20 minutes.'"

Contract: I promise to come back. (This prevents abandonment panic).

Exercise 5 — The Self-Education Plan

You need to study. Pick one book on relationships (e.g., Gottman, Perel, Brown). Commit to reading one chapter a week. Treat it like your job. Because it is.

Exercise 6 — The Repair Script Drill

Write and practice: “I was wrong. I see the impact. I want to repair. What would help you feel safer now?”

Exercise 7 — The Play Ritual

Schedule one 20‑minute “play” block per week (game, walk, music). Treat it as essential.

: Research TODO: Add citations on repair rituals and positive interaction ratios.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.