Reflection & Exercises
Exercise 1 — Internal vs external motivation check (10 minutes)
For any change you're making or hoping someone else makes, assess motivation:
External motivation (doesn't sustain):
- To keep/win someone back
- To avoid pain or loss
- Because someone told you to
- To prove you're not the problem
- Out of guilt or shame
- To meet an ultimatum
Internal motivation (sustains):
- You're uncomfortable with current patterns
- Change serves your own values and goals
- You want different results for yourself
- You recognize how patterns limit you
- You're ready to tolerate discomfort for growth
- Change aligns with who you want to be
The test: If the external pressure (keeping someone, avoiding loss) disappeared tomorrow, would you still pursue this change? If no, motivation is external.
Exercise 2 — Evidence vs performance tracker (ongoing)
If you're assessing someone's change (or your own), track evidence over 3-6 months:
| Claimed change | Behavioral evidence | Under stress? | Consistent? | Internal motivation? |
|---|
| "I've learned to regulate" | Do they stay present in conflict? | Yes / No | Yes / No | Yes / No |
| "I can hear feedback now" | Do they respond without defensiveness? | Yes / No | Yes / No | Yes / No |
| "I understand my patterns" | Can they name them specifically without prompting? | Yes / No | Yes / No | Yes / No |
The standard: Real change shows behavioral evidence under stress, consistently, over months. Promises without this are performance.
Exercise 3 — The "would I advise a friend?" test (7 minutes)
Imagine your friend tells you someone has "changed." They describe:
- What was claimed
- How long it's been
- What evidence exists
- Whether change persists under stress
- Whether motivation seems internal
What would you tell your friend?
Most people give better advice to friends than they follow themselves. Apply your objectivity to your own situation.
Exercise 4 — Capacity + motivation + support audit (10 minutes)
For any change you or someone else is attempting, assess all three components:
Motivation (do they/you want this for themselves?):
- Internal drive vs external pressure
- Want to, not have to
- Serves their values, not just keeps someone
Capacity (do they/you have bandwidth?):
- Not in constant crisis
- Have emotional/mental resources
- Can tolerate discomfort
- Time and space to practice
Support (are structures in place?):
- Therapy, coaching, or guidance
- Accountability without shame
- Community that reinforces change
- Safe space to practice and fail
The reality: All three are required. Missing any one means change won't sustain.
Exercise 5 — Timeline reality check (5 minutes)
For claimed changes, check if timeline aligns with actual change:
Claims vs realistic timelines:
- "I've changed" after 2 weeks → Performance, not integration
- "I understand now" after one conversation → Intellectual understanding, not behavioral change
- "I'm different" after a month → Maybe awareness, not yet capacity
- "I've worked on myself" after 3-6 months → Possible if evidence exists
- "I've built new patterns" after 12+ months → More realistic timeline
The standard: Nervous system patterns and behavioral change take months to years, not days or weeks.
Exercise 6 — Grand gesture vs consistent behavior (8 minutes)
List any grand gestures (yours or theirs) meant to prove change:
Grand gestures:
- Love letters or declarations
- Expensive gifts or trips
- Dramatic promises
- Public proclamations
- One-time therapy sessions
- "Proving" commitment through actions
Now ask: What consistent, small behaviors over months would actually demonstrate this change?
Example:
- Grand gesture: "I'll do anything to prove I've changed!"
- Consistent behavior: Attends therapy weekly for 6 months. Practices repair after every conflict. Demonstrates regulation under stress repeatedly.
The distinction: Gestures are performance. Consistency over time is evidence.
Exercise 7 — "What would need to be true?" backwards mapping (10 minutes)
If someone has genuinely changed, what would need to be true?
Work backwards:
They claim: "I've learned to communicate better."
For this to be true:
- They'd need to have practiced in therapy or with a coach (months of work)
- They'd demonstrate it under stress, not just when calm
- They'd show it consistently across contexts
- They'd be able to name specific skills they've learned
- There'd be behavioral evidence you can observe
Now apply this to any claimed change. If what "would need to be true" isn't in place, the change isn't real yet.
Exercise 8 — Your own change audit (15 minutes)
If you're working on changing yourself, audit honestly:
1. Motivation:
- Am I changing for me or to keep/attract someone?
- Would I pursue this change if they were permanently gone?
- Does this change serve my values and goals?
2. Capacity:
- Do I have the bandwidth right now?
- Am I in constant crisis or can I focus on growth?
- Can I tolerate the discomfort this requires?
3. Support:
- Do I have therapy, coaching, or guidance?
- Do I have accountability structures?
- Do I have community that reinforces new patterns?
4. Consistency:
- Have I been practicing for months, not weeks?
- Does change persist under stress?
- Is this integrated into who I am, or performance?
The honesty: If motivation is external or capacity/support is missing, pause. Build the foundation first.
Reflection prompts
- Is my motivation internal (for myself) or external (to keep someone)?
- Am I seeing behavioral evidence or just hearing promises?
- Does change persist under stress or only when things are calm?
- Have months passed with consistent practice, or just weeks of performance?
- Am I trying to change someone, or accepting I can't?
- Would I advise a friend to believe this change is real?
- Are all three components in place: motivation, capacity, support?
- Am I distinguishing grand gestures from consistent behavior?
- Is the timeline realistic for actual nervous system change?
- Can I accept that I can't control when/if someone else changes?
Related reading
