Why what feels better now often makes things worse later, and how to choose growth over relief.
Relief feels better now. Growth feels harder first. Most relationship advice offers relief—strategies to feel better quickly. But relief doesn't address underlying patterns, so the pain returns. Growth is harder but actually changes things.
When you're in pain, you want relief. That's natural, human, and understandable. Pain is uncomfortable, and your brain is wired to seek relief from discomfort as quickly as possible.
But relief and growth are different:
Relief is temporary. It makes you feel better now, but doesn't change the underlying patterns. So the pain returns, often worse than before, because the pattern that created it is still active.
Growth is permanent. It's harder at first, often uncomfortable, sometimes painful. But it actually changes the patterns that create pain, so the pain doesn't return in the same way.
Most relationship advice offers relief:
This feels good because it gives you something to do, something to hope for, some sense of control. It temporarily reduces the anxiety and pain of not knowing what to do. But it doesn't address why you're in this situation, what patterns brought you here, or what needs to change for the future.
Growth looks different:
This is harder because it requires you to change, not just try harder. It requires you to look at uncomfortable truths about yourself, sit with difficult feelings, and do work that doesn't have an immediate payoff.
The key difference: relief resets to baseline, growth compounds over time.
Relief behaviors give you temporary improvement but reset you back to where you started. It's like taking painkillers for a broken bone—they help you feel better temporarily, but the bone is still broken.
Growth behaviors are harder at first but compound over time. Each small change builds on the previous one, creating lasting transformation. It's like physical therapy for the broken bone—it's uncomfortable and takes time, but it actually heals.
You might notice:
The difference is that relief resets, but growth compounds. Relief makes you feel better now, but the patterns remain, so the pain returns. Growth is harder at first, but it changes the patterns, so the pain doesn't return in the same way.
Choosing growth over relief means:
1. Focus on yourself, not on them
Growth happens in you, not in them. You can't change them, control their choices, or make them want you. But you can change yourself, your patterns, your capacity. Focus your energy where you have actual control.
2. Examine your patterns honestly
What patterns keep showing up in your relationships? What role do you play in creating these dynamics? This isn't about blame—it's about understanding what you can actually change. Look for patterns across multiple relationships, not just this one.
3. Take responsibility for your part
Not blame—responsibility. Blame is about fault and shame. Responsibility is about recognizing what you contributed and what you can change. You can't control what they did, but you can control how you responded and what you do next.
4. Build emotional regulation skills
Learn to regulate your emotions instead of being controlled by them. Practice techniques like breathing, grounding, mindfulness, physical movement. Build the capacity to feel difficult emotions without immediately needing to act on them or make them go away.
5. Create structural change
Don't just change behaviors—change the underlying structures. If you keep choosing unavailable partners, don't just choose differently next time. Understand why you're drawn to unavailability and heal that wound. If you lose yourself in relationships, don't just set better boundaries—build a stronger sense of self.
6. Choose differently when patterns show up
When you notice old patterns emerging—the familiar pull, the urge to chase, the impulse to withdraw—pause and choose differently. This is where growth happens: in the moment of choosing something new when everything in you wants to choose the familiar.
7. Get support for growth
Therapy, support groups, trusted friends who can help you grow rather than just make you feel better. Choose support that challenges you gently, holds you accountable kindly, and helps you see patterns you can't see yourself.
8. Practice patience with the process
Growth takes time. You won't see results immediately. You might feel worse before you feel better as you process difficult emotions and face uncomfortable truths. Trust the process even when it's hard.
9. Distinguish between relief and growth in real time
When you want to take action, ask: "Will this make me feel better now, or will this actually change something?" Both have value, but know which one you're choosing and why. Sometimes relief is appropriate—you don't need growth work 24/7. But if you're always choosing relief and never choosing growth, patterns won't change.
The goal isn't to never feel pain—it's to change the patterns that create pain, so the pain doesn't keep returning in the same ways.
These traps provide temporary relief but keep you stuck:
If you feel emotionally flooded: read Signals & Misreads next.
If you feel stuck and urgent: do one exercise from Exercises next.
If you want a clear signal of what's driving your patterns right now, take the Pulse.