Scenarios & Examples
Scenario 1 — You're trying strategies to get them back
What's happening:
You're trying different strategies to get them back—texting, showing up, proving you've changed. It feels good because it gives you something to do and hope to hold onto.
But these strategies are relief-seeking, not growth. They don't address why you're in this situation or what patterns you need to change. Even if they work temporarily, the patterns remain, so the problems return.
What helps:
- Focus on yourself: Instead of trying to get them back, focus on changing yourself
- Examine your patterns: What patterns keep showing up? What do you need to change?
- Take responsibility: Take responsibility for your part, not blaming yourself or them
- Choose growth: Work on growth instead of trying to get them back
- Get support: Find people who can help you grow, not just feel better
The goal isn't to never want them back—it's to choose growth over relief, even when relief feels easier.
Scenario 2 — You're seeking reassurance instead of clarity
What it's trying to regulate:
You're looking for someone to tell you it will be okay, that you're not broken, that things will work out. Reassurance feels good and provides temporary relief.
But reassurance doesn't help you see clearly or change patterns. It just makes you feel better temporarily, then the pain returns.
A replacement behavior:
- Seek clarity instead: Instead of reassurance, seek clarity. What do you need to understand?
- Examine your patterns: What patterns keep showing up? What do you need to change?
- Take responsibility: Take responsibility for your part, not seeking external validation
- Build emotional regulation: Learn to regulate your emotions instead of seeking reassurance
- Get support for growth: Find people who can help you grow, not just reassure you
The replacement behavior isn't about avoiding reassurance—it's about choosing clarity and growth over temporary relief.
Scenario 3 — You're looking for quick fixes
Explain pattern:
You're looking for solutions that work immediately—strategies, tips, tricks that will make you feel better right now. Quick fixes feel good because they provide immediate relief.
But quick fixes don't address underlying patterns, so the pain returns. Relief resets, but growth compounds.
Stabilize plan:
- Recognize quick fixes: Notice when you're looking for immediate solutions instead of lasting change
- Examine underlying patterns: What patterns keep showing up? What needs to change?
- Choose growth: Work on growth instead of seeking quick fixes
- Practice patience: Growth takes time. Be patient with the process
- Get support: Find people who can help you grow, not just provide quick fixes
- Accept discomfort: Growth is harder at first. Accept the discomfort
The stabilize plan isn't about eliminating quick fixes—it's about choosing growth over relief, even when relief feels easier.
Scenario 4 — You're trying to change them instead of you
Relief vs growth framing:
You're focused on changing them—getting them to see your perspective, understand your needs, or come back. This feels productive because it gives you something to do.
But this is relief-seeking, not growth. You can't change them. You can only change yourself. Focusing on them keeps you stuck and prevents you from growing.
Growth approach:
- Focus on yourself: Instead of trying to change them, focus on changing yourself
- Examine your patterns: What patterns keep showing up? What do you need to change?
- Take responsibility: Take responsibility for your part, not trying to change theirs
- Choose growth: Work on your own growth instead of trying to change them
- Notice the difference: When you focus on yourself instead of them, you're more likely to create lasting change
Growth means changing yourself. Relief means trying to change them.
Scenario 5 — You're avoiding difficult feelings
When it helps:
Avoiding difficult feelings can help when:
- You're in acute crisis and need to stabilize first
- You're using healthy coping strategies to manage overwhelming emotions
- You're taking breaks from processing to regulate
In these cases, temporary avoidance can be protective.
When it harms:
Avoiding difficult feelings can harm when:
- You're using it as a long-term strategy instead of processing
- You're numbing to avoid growth work
- You're avoiding feelings that need to be processed to heal
- You're using substances or other numbing to avoid the work
In these cases, avoidance prevents growth and keeps you stuck.
What to do instead:
- Process difficult feelings: Instead of avoiding them, process them. Feel them, name them, work through them
- Get support: Have people who can help you process difficult feelings safely
- Practice regulation: Learn to regulate your emotions so you can process them without being overwhelmed
- Take breaks: You can take breaks from processing, but come back to it
- Choose growth: Growth requires feeling difficult feelings. Choose growth over avoidance
If you're in acute crisis, stabilize first. But once you're stable, process the feelings instead of avoiding them.
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