Why Closure Rarely Comes From the Other Person

Summary

Closure is something you create, not something you receive. Seeking it from the other person keeps you dependent on them and prevents you from moving forward. Understanding this helps you find closure on your own terms.

The core idea

Closure isn't something someone gives you. It's something you create for yourself by making sense of what happened, accepting what you can't change, and choosing to move forward.

When you seek closure from the other person, you're asking them to:

Explain why they did what they did in a way that makes sense to you
Apologize in a way that feels satisfying and complete
Give you answers that resolve your confusion
Help you understand what happened so you can move forward
Validate your experience and acknowledge their part
Make the pain make sense

But even if they do all these things perfectly, it rarely provides the closure you're looking for. Here's why: closure isn't about understanding them—it's about understanding yourself and what happened, and choosing to move forward regardless of whether you have their explanations or validation.

The problem is that seeking closure from them keeps you dependent on them. It keeps you waiting, hoping, and stuck. It prevents you from creating your own closure and moving forward on your own terms. You're essentially giving them the power to determine when—or if—you can move forward.

Even worse, their explanation often doesn't help. They may not have answers. They may not understand their own behavior. Or their reasons may be so different from what you expected that they don't provide the relief you're seeking. Sometimes the truth is: "I don't know why" or "It just didn't feel right" or "I wanted something different." These aren't satisfying answers, but they're often the honest ones.

Seeking closure from them also assumes that understanding why something ended will help you move forward. But most of the time, what helps you move forward isn't understanding them—it's understanding yourself, processing your own experience, and choosing to move forward even without perfect clarity about their motivations.

How it shows up

You might notice:

Feeling like you need to talk to them one more time
Wanting answers to questions that keep you stuck
Waiting for an apology or explanation that would make everything make sense
Feeling like you can't move forward until you understand what happened
Repeated attempts to contact them for "closure"
Believing that if they just explained, you'd be able to move on
Feeling stuck because you haven't gotten the closure you need

The problem is that seeking closure from them keeps you dependent on them. It keeps you waiting, hoping, and stuck.

What helps (growth avenues)

Closure comes from within, not from them. Here's how to create it:

1. Accept that you may never get the answers you want

They may not have answers, or their answers may not make sense to you, or they may not be willing to give them. That's okay. You can find closure without their answers. Most people don't fully understand their own motivations, so expecting them to explain theirs in a way that satisfies you is asking for something they may not be capable of giving.

2. Focus on what you can understand

Your own experience, your own patterns, your own choices. Understanding yourself is more valuable than understanding them. Ask: What did I learn about myself in this relationship? What patterns did this reveal? What do I want differently next time? These questions help you create closure through self-understanding rather than waiting for their explanations.

3. Create your own meaning

Make sense of what happened in a way that helps you move forward. You don't need their version of events to create your own understanding. Write your own narrative about what happened, what it means, and what you're taking forward. This narrative is for you—it doesn't have to be "true" in some objective sense. It just has to help you make sense of your experience and move forward.

4. Grieve what you lost

Closure isn't just understanding—it's also grieving. Allow yourself to feel the loss, the disappointment, the pain. Grief is how we process loss. Seeking closure from them is often a way to avoid grief. But grief is necessary for healing.

5. Set boundaries that support your healing

If contact with them prevents you from moving forward, limit or eliminate it. This isn't punishment—it's protection. Your healing requires space from them, at least for a while. Boundaries create the conditions for closure to develop.

6. Choose to move forward

Closure isn't about having all the answers. It's about accepting that you may never have them, and choosing to move forward anyway. This is a choice you make repeatedly, not once. Every day, you choose whether to stay stuck in seeking their closure or to create your own.

7. Recognize that closure is a process, not an event

It's something you work toward, not something you receive. It happens over time as you process, understand, and choose to move forward. Some days you'll feel more closure than others. That's normal. Progress isn't linear.

Common traps (relief avenues)

These traps provide temporary relief but keep you stuck:

Waiting for them to give you closure—You think you need their explanation, apology, or answers to move forward
Repeated attempts to contact them—You keep reaching out, thinking "this time" will be different
Believing closure is something you receive—You think they need to give it to you, so you wait
Making closure conditional—You think you can't move forward until you get what you need from them
Seeking answers instead of creating meaning—You think understanding them will give you closure, but it usually doesn't
Using closure as an excuse to maintain contact—You say you need closure, but you're really trying to stay connected
Believing you need their validation—You think their explanation or apology will make you feel better, but it rarely does
Waiting instead of processing—You wait for closure instead of creating it yourself

Reflection questions

What do I think I need from them to have closure? What would that look like?
What would it look like to create closure on my own terms?
What can I understand about myself and my experience without their explanation?
How can I create meaning from what happened in a way that helps me move forward?
What would it look like to accept that I may never get the answers I want?
How can I choose to move forward even without their closure?
What patterns do I notice in how I seek closure from others?
How can I practice creating closure for myself?
What would it look like to let go of needing their closure?
How can I recognize closure as a process rather than an event?

Next steps

If you feel emotionally flooded: read Signals & Misreads next.
If you feel stuck and urgent: do one exercise from Exercises next.

Optional: The Relationship Pulse

If you want a clear signal of what's driving your patterns right now, take the Pulse.

Chapter 4: Why Closure Rarely Comes From the Other Person