Signals & Misreads
What you might be feeling (signals)
When you're seeking closure from the other person, you might notice:
- Feeling like you need to talk to them one more time—You think if you can just have one more conversation, you'll get closure
- Wanting answers to questions that keep you stuck—You have questions you think only they can answer
- Waiting for an apology or explanation—You think their explanation will make everything make sense
- Feeling like you can't move forward—You believe you can't move on until you get closure from them
- Repeated attempts to contact them—You keep reaching out, thinking "this time" will be different
- Believing closure is something you receive—You think they need to give it to you, so you wait
- Making closure conditional—You think you can't move forward until you get what you need from them
- Feeling stuck because you haven't gotten closure—You're waiting for something that may never come
- Using closure as an excuse to maintain contact—You say you need closure, but you're really trying to stay connected
- Believing you need their validation—You think their explanation or apology will make you feel better
- Waiting instead of processing—You wait for closure instead of creating it yourself
- Feeling dependent on them—Your ability to move forward feels tied to their response
What people often misread
These common misinterpretations keep people stuck:
- "I need their explanation to move forward"—You can move forward without their explanation. Understanding yourself is more valuable.
- "If they just apologized, I'd feel better"—Their apology might feel good temporarily, but it rarely provides lasting closure.
- "I can't have closure until I understand why"—You can create closure without understanding them. Understanding yourself is enough.
- "Closure is something they give me"—Closure is something you create, not something you receive.
- "I need to talk to them one more time"—One more conversation rarely provides closure. It usually just prolongs the process.
- "If I don't get closure, I'll be stuck forever"—You can create closure on your own terms, even without their participation.
- "Their explanation will make everything make sense"—Even if they explain, it may not make sense to you, or it may not be what you need.
- "I need their validation to move forward"—You don't need their validation. You can validate yourself and move forward.
The hidden driver
The hidden driver is your need for external validation and understanding. When something painful happens, you want to make sense of it, and you think the other person holds the key to that understanding.
But closure isn't about understanding them—it's about understanding yourself and what happened, and choosing to move forward regardless. Seeking closure from them keeps you dependent on them and prevents you from creating your own closure.
The waiting keeps you stuck. When you're waiting for closure, you're not processing or moving forward. You're stuck in a holding pattern, waiting for something that may never come.
What a healthier signal looks like
When you're creating closure for yourself, the same situation feels different:
- You can move forward without their explanation—You don't need their answers to understand your own experience
- You can create meaning on your own—You make sense of what happened in a way that helps you move forward
- You can accept uncertainty—You don't need all the answers. You can move forward with what you know
- You can validate yourself—You don't need their validation. You can validate your own experience
- You can process independently—You work through what happened on your own terms, without waiting for them
- You can choose to move forward—You don't wait for closure. You create it and move forward
- You can let go of needing their participation—You don't need them to give you closure. You can create it yourself
You're not eliminating the need for understanding—you're creating it yourself instead of waiting for it.
Micro-shifts (24–48 hours)
Small actions that help you create closure on your own terms:
- Write a letter you don't send—Express everything you want to say, then set it aside. You don't need to send it to process it
- Create your own meaning—Write about what happened, what you learned, and how you're growing. Create meaning that helps you move forward
- Focus on what you can understand—Instead of trying to understand them, focus on understanding yourself and your experience
- Accept uncertainty—You may never get the answers you want. That's okay. You can move forward anyway
- Practice self-validation—Validate your own experience. You don't need their validation to know what happened
- Set a boundary—If they contact you, use a script: "I'm working through this on my own. I'll reach out if I need to."
- Create a closure ritual—Write a letter, have a ceremony, or create a ritual that helps you mark the end and move forward
- Practice letting go—Let go of needing their participation. You can create closure without them
These aren't solutions—they're supports. They help you create closure on your own terms instead of waiting for it.
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