Scenarios & Examples
Scenario 1 — You want to talk to them one more time
What's happening:
You feel like you need to talk to them one more time—to explain, to ask questions, to get closure. You think if you can just have one more conversation, everything will make sense and you'll be able to move forward.
But one more conversation rarely provides closure. It usually just prolongs the process and keeps you dependent on them. The more you seek closure from them, the more you need them to give it to you.
What helps:
- Write a letter you don't send: Express everything you want to say, then set it aside. You don't need to send it to process it
- Create your own meaning: Instead of waiting for their explanation, create your own understanding of what happened
- Practice self-validation: Validate your own experience. You don't need their validation to know what happened
- Set a boundary: If they contact you, use a script: "I'm working through this on my own. I'll reach out if I need to."
- Accept uncertainty: You may never get the answers you want. That's okay. You can move forward anyway
The goal isn't to never want to talk to them—it's to create closure on your own terms instead of waiting for it.
Scenario 2 — You're waiting for an apology
What it's trying to regulate:
You're waiting for them to apologize, thinking their apology will make everything make sense and help you move forward. You think if they just acknowledge what they did, you'll feel better and be able to let go.
But waiting for an apology keeps you stuck. Their apology might feel good temporarily, but it rarely provides lasting closure. And if they never apologize, you're stuck waiting for something that may never come.
A replacement behavior:
- Validate yourself: Your experience is valid, even without their apology. You don't need their acknowledgment to know what happened
- Create your own closure: Write about what happened, what you learned, and how you're growing. Create closure that doesn't depend on them
- Practice acceptance: They may never apologize. That's okay. You can move forward anyway
- Focus on your growth: Instead of waiting for their apology, focus on what you're learning and how you're growing
- Set a boundary: If they contact you, use a script: "I'm working through this on my own. I'll reach out if I need to."
The replacement behavior isn't about avoiding the need for acknowledgment—it's about creating closure that doesn't depend on them.
Scenario 3 — You need answers to move forward
Explain pattern:
You feel like you need answers to specific questions to move forward. You think if you can just understand why they did what they did, you'll have closure and be able to let go.
But seeking answers keeps you dependent on them. Even if they answer, their answers may not make sense to you, or they may not be what you need. And if they never answer, you're stuck waiting.
Stabilize plan:
- Accept uncertainty: You may never get the answers you want. That's okay. You can move forward with what you know
- Focus on what you can understand: Instead of trying to understand them, focus on understanding yourself and your experience
- Create your own meaning: Make sense of what happened in a way that helps you move forward, without needing their explanation
- Practice self-validation: Validate your own experience. You don't need their answers to know what happened
- Set a boundary: If they contact you, use a script: "I'm working through this on my own. I'll reach out if I need to."
- Choose to move forward: You don't need all the answers. You can move forward with what you know
The stabilize plan isn't about eliminating the need for answers—it's about creating closure that doesn't depend on them.
Scenario 4 — You're using closure as an excuse to stay connected
Relief vs growth framing:
You say you need closure, but you're really trying to stay connected. You keep reaching out, thinking "this time" will be different, but you're really trying to maintain contact and hope.
This is relief-seeking, not growth. The contact might provide temporary relief, but it won't help you create closure. And maintaining contact while seeking closure usually makes things worse.
Growth approach:
- Be honest with yourself: Are you seeking closure, or are you trying to stay connected? Name what you're really seeking
- Create closure on your own: Write a letter you don't send, create your own meaning, practice self-validation. Create closure that doesn't depend on them
- Set boundaries: If they contact you, use a script: "I'm working through this on my own. I'll reach out if I need to."
- Focus on your growth: Instead of trying to stay connected, focus on what you're learning and how you're growing
- Notice the difference: When you can create closure on your own terms instead of seeking it from them, you're more likely to actually move forward
Growth means creating closure on your own terms. Relief means using closure as an excuse to stay connected.
Scenario 5 — You think you need their validation
When it helps:
Wanting validation can help when:
- You're validating yourself and also seeking external validation
- You're regulated and thinking clearly
- You're ready to accept whatever response you get
- You're not using it as a way to maintain contact or hope
In these cases, seeking validation can provide clarity and help you move forward.
When it harms:
Wanting validation can harm when:
- You're dependent on their validation to feel okay
- You're using it as a way to maintain contact
- You're not ready to accept it if you don't get it
- You're seeking relief from uncertainty rather than actual validation
In these cases, seeking validation usually makes things worse—it keeps you dependent on them, creates false hope, or confirms what you already know but aren't ready to accept.
What to do instead:
- Practice self-validation: Validate your own experience. You don't need their validation to know what happened
- Create your own meaning: Make sense of what happened in a way that helps you move forward, without needing their validation
- Focus on your growth: Instead of seeking their validation, focus on what you're learning and how you're growing
- Set boundaries: If they contact you, use a script: "I'm working through this on my own. I'll reach out if I need to."
If you still want validation after you've validated yourself, then consider seeking it. But if you're asking because you need their validation to feel okay, practice self-validation first.
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