Chapter 17: What Actually Changes Someone's Mind
What happened:
You gave them an ultimatum: "Go to therapy or we're done." They went. For three months, they showed up to sessions. They told you about insights. They seemed different. You got back together.
Within weeks, old patterns returned. They stopped going to therapy. They said it "wasn't helping anymore." The change disappeared because it was never theirs—it was compliance to keep you.
Why it didn't work:
What this reveals: You can't pressure someone into genuine change. Compliance looks like change temporarily but doesn't last.
What happened:
They hit their own threshold. Not because of you—because they were uncomfortable with their own patterns. They recognized they repeated the same dynamics in every relationship. They went to therapy for themselves, not to keep you.
A year later, they'd built actual capacity. Different behaviors under stress. Consistent practice. They reached out to share their growth—not to get back together, but to take accountability for their part.
Why it worked:
What this reveals: Real change comes from internal motivation, adequate capacity, and sustained support over time.
What happened:
They sent flowers. They wrote a letter. They showed up at your door with promises. They said they'd changed, they understood now, they'd do anything. You believed them because the gesture felt significant.
Within a month, the same patterns emerged. No behavioral change had happened—just performance. The grand gesture was compensation for lack of actual work, not evidence of growth.
Why it didn't work:
What this reveals: Grand gestures feel meaningful but prove nothing. Consistent small behaviors over months are what matter.
What happened:
You worked on yourself intensely. You built capacity, learned skills, demonstrated growth. You hoped seeing your change would inspire theirs. It didn't. They acknowledged your growth but didn't pursue their own. Your change was yours—it didn't transfer to them.
Why it didn't work:
What this reveals: You can't change someone by changing yourself. They need their own motivation, capacity, and timeline.
What happened:
You hoped hitting bottom would create urgency to change. They lost you, struggled, suffered. You thought pain would motivate growth. Instead, it created panic. They reached out activated, desperate, promising anything.
You tried again. Once their crisis passed and pain subsided, motivation disappeared. No actual capacity had been built—just desperation to end discomfort.
Why it didn't work:
What this reveals: Pain and crisis don't create sustainable change. They create desperation for relief, which looks like motivation but isn't.
What doesn't create change:
What does create change:
The acceptance: You cannot control when or if someone else changes. You can only work on yourself with genuine motivation, capacity, and support.