One-Page Summary
What's true
- Missing someone doesn't equal compatibility
- You can love someone deeply and still know the relationship wasn't sustainable
- Most longing is a mix: missing them and missing what they represented
- Intensity of grief doesn't dictate whether you should go back
- Missing them is part of healing, not evidence you made the wrong choice
- You can grieve fully without needing them back to validate the loss
Missing the person vs missing the representation
Missing the person:
- Their specific qualities, values, worldview
- The way they saw you and understood you
- Their particular humor, presence, way of being
- The unique connection you had
Missing the representation:
- Having someone (anyone)
- Routine, structure, predictability
- The future you imagined
- The identity you had as part of a couple
- Relief from loneliness
- Security, stability, progress
Signals of longing
- Constant thoughts, physical ache in chest or stomach
- Good memories flooding back while difficult ones fade
- Idealizing who they were, forgetting structural problems
- Feeling incomplete, like a part of you is missing
- Comparing everyone to them
- Obsessively checking on them
- Believing they were "the one"
- Phantom communication (thinking of things to tell them)
Common misreads
- "If I miss them this much, we must belong together"
- "This pain means I should fight for it"
- "If I can't imagine life without them, we should be together"
- "Missing them means I haven't moved on"
- "They were my person" (romanticizing attachment as destiny)
- "If they feel this too, we should try again"
- "I miss our life together" (missing structure, not person)
- "This longing will never end"
The tests
"Them vs Anyone"
For each thing you miss, ask: "Would I miss this with anyone, or only with them?"
- Only them = missing the person specifically
- Anyone = missing the role or structure they filled
"Memory editing check"
When good memories surface, ask: What happened before? After? What pattern existed alongside this moment?
"Future vs person"
Am I mourning losing them, or mourning losing the future I imagined?
"Structural reality"
Has the structural issue that made the relationship unsustainable actually changed? If not, would the same patterns repeat?
What helps (growth avenues)
- Distinguish person from representation—name what you're actually missing
- Hold complexity: miss them and know the relationship wasn't working
- Grieve the future you imagined without attaching it to them
- Build new routines, connections, structure for yourself
- Remember the relationship in context—good moments and structural problems
- Separate longing from decision—you can miss someone and still know it's over
- Sit with longing without acting on it (grief without pursuit)
- Ask: "Am I missing them, or missing who I was with them?"
- Check: "If the structural issue hasn't changed, am I willing to repeat the same patterns?"
Common traps (relief avenues)
- Confusing intensity of grief with rightness of relationship
- Reaching out to soothe longing instead of sitting with grief
- Editing memories to make the relationship better than it was
- Romanticizing attachment as destiny ("they were my person")
- Assuming mutual longing means you should try again
- Chasing the feeling instead of grieving the actual loss
- Missing potential instead of who they actually were
- Confusing loneliness with longing
- Using "I miss them" as evidence you should go back
- Believing longing will never end (it softens with time)
One sentence to remember
Missing someone deeply doesn't mean the relationship was sustainable—it means the relationship mattered, and grief is the price of caring.
Where to go next
