Missing Them vs Missing the Relationship - Exercises

Exercise 1 — The "What I actually miss" inventory (10 minutes)

Complete these sentences as specifically as possible:

I miss...

(Write 15-20 specific things)

Then, for each item, mark it:

P = Person (this is specific to them—their humor, their values, the way they saw the world)
R = Representation (this could be filled by anyone—having someone, routine, future plans, security)
B = Both

Count the totals:

Mostly P's: You're missing them specifically
Mostly R's: You're missing what they represented
Mostly B's: You're missing both—the person and the structure

The insight: This doesn't tell you whether to go back. It tells you what you're grieving so you can grieve it accurately.

Exercise 2 — Memory editing check (8 minutes)

Write down 3 positive memories that surface when you miss them.

For each memory, answer:

What happened right before this moment?
What happened right after?
What pattern was present in the relationship at this time?
What structural issue existed alongside this good moment?

Example:

Memory: "We laughed so hard at that restaurant."

Before: We'd been fighting all week; this was the first meal where we weren't tense.

After: We went home and had another fight about the same issue.

Pattern: We had great moments, but they didn't resolve the underlying disconnect.

Structural issue: We couldn't repair after conflict; we just moved on until the next one.

The goal: Not to ruin good memories, but to remember them in context. Good moments existed alongside structural problems. Both are true.

Exercise 3 — The "Them vs Anyone" test (5 minutes)

For each thing you miss, ask: "Would I miss this with anyone, or only with them?"

What I miss	Only them	Anyone would fill this
Their sense of humor	✓
Having someone to text		✓
How they understood me	✓
Not being alone		✓
Our Sunday routine		✓
Their specific worldview	✓

The distinction:

Only them: You're missing the specific person. Someone else won't fill this.
Anyone: You're missing the role or structure. Someone else could fill this, but that doesn't mean you should immediately attach to someone new.

The takeaway: If most of your answers are "anyone," you're not primarily missing them—you're missing having someone. This is real grief, but it's different grief.

Exercise 4 — Future vs person (7 minutes)

Part A: Write down the future you imagined with them.

Where you'd live
What your life would look like
Milestones you'd hit together
The identity you'd have as a couple

Part B: Now rewrite that future without them in it. What does it look like if you build those things differently?

Part C: Ask yourself: "Am I mourning losing them, or mourning losing that specific future?"

The distinction: Losing a future is painful even if the person wasn't right. You can grieve the future and know the relationship wasn't sustainable.

Exercise 5 — The romanticization check (10 minutes)

Write down 5 things you loved about them.

Then, for each one, answer:

Was this consistently true, or occasional?
Did this quality exist alongside a structural problem?
Did this quality actually meet your needs, or did it just feel good?

Example:

What I loved: They were spontaneous and adventurous.

Consistently true? Occasionally. Often it felt chaotic and unreliable.

Structural problem? Yes—they couldn't commit to plans, follow through, or be predictable.

Did it meet my needs? It felt exciting, but I actually needed reliability, and this trait worked against that.

The goal: You can love qualities in someone and still recognize the relationship wasn't sustainable. Both are true.

Exercise 6 — "Who was I with them?" reflection (8 minutes)

Answer these questions:

Who was I in that relationship?
- What parts of me showed up?
- What parts of me got smaller?
Do I miss them, or do I miss who I was with them?
- Was I more confident? More anxious? More creative? More collapsed?
Can I be that version of myself without them?
- If yes, start building that version now.
- If no, was that version actually sustainable, or was it performance?

The insight: Sometimes we're not missing them—we're missing a version of ourselves. And sometimes that version wasn't even real.

Exercise 7 — Longing without action (5 minutes)

Practice sitting with longing without acting on it.

When the urge to reach out hits:

Notice the urge. "I want to text them."
Name what you're missing. "I miss feeling connected."
Ask: "Will reaching out address the structural issue?" (Usually no.)
Sit with the longing for 10 minutes without acting.
Notice what happens. The urge usually passes. The longing softens but doesn't disappear.

The practice: Longing doesn't require action. You can miss someone and not reach out. This is where grief lives—not in action, but in feeling.

Exercise 8 — The structural reality check (10 minutes)

Answer these questions honestly:

What structural issue made the relationship unsustainable?
- (Not surface reasons—structural: safety, repair capacity, growth threshold, attachment clashes)
Has that structural issue changed?
- In you? In them? In the dynamic?
If you got back together tomorrow, would the same pattern repeat?
- Be honest. If nothing has structurally changed, yes, it would.
Am I willing to accept that structural issue permanently?
- Not "work on it"—accept it as permanent. If no, you're longing for a version of them that doesn't exist.

The clarity: Missing someone doesn't mean the structural issues disappeared. If the structure hasn't changed, the outcome won't either.

Reflection prompts

What am I actually missing—the person, the structure, the future, or the identity?
Am I editing memories to make the relationship better than it was?
Can I miss someone and still know it's over?
Am I longing for them, or longing for relief from loneliness?
If the structural issues haven't changed, am I willing to repeat the same patterns?
What would it mean to grieve fully without needing them back to validate the loss?
Can I build the life I imagined without attaching it to them?

Exercises

Reflection & Exercises