Chapter 13: Missing Them vs Missing the Relationship
What happened:
You find yourself missing them intensely on Sunday mornings. You miss your coffee ritual, the farmers market, the lazy afternoons. You're convinced this means you should be together—if you miss them this much, the relationship must have been right.
What was actually happening:
You're missing the routine more than the person. Sundays were structured, predictable, comforting. The relationship itself had structural problems—you couldn't repair after conflict, safety was eroding, you were growing apart. But Sundays felt good because they were routine, not because the relationship was working.
The distinction:
Missing routine doesn't mean the relationship was sustainable. You can build new routines. The question isn't "Do I miss Sundays with them?" It's "Was the relationship structurally sound outside of Sunday mornings?"
What helps:
The insight: Routine is comforting. Loss of routine is painful. But that doesn't mean the person was right for you.
What happened:
You miss how confident you felt, how creative, how alive. You were the best version of yourself with them, and now you feel small, lost, directionless. You're convinced you need them back to feel like yourself again.
What was actually happening:
You're missing a version of yourself, not them. And often, that version wasn't even sustainable—it was performance, or it required constant validation from them, or it only existed because you were overcompensating for insecurity.
The distinction:
If you can't be that version of yourself without them, it wasn't you—it was a version of you that required their presence to exist. That's not a sustainable identity.
What helps:
The insight: You don't need them to be the person you want to be. If you're missing yourself more than them, the work is internal, not relational.
What happened:
You miss the life you were building—the house you were going to buy, the trips you'd planned, the future you imagined. You're devastated because you've lost the life you thought you'd have. You feel like you've wasted years building something that's now gone.
What was actually happening:
You're grieving the future you imagined, not the relationship as it actually was. The present had problems—conflict you couldn't resolve, needs you couldn't meet, patterns you couldn't change. But the future looked good, so you focused on that instead of addressing what wasn't working now.
The distinction:
Missing the future doesn't mean the present was sustainable. You can build a future—just not that specific one, with that specific person.
What helps:
The insight: You can love the future you imagined and still know the present wasn't working. Both are true.
What happened:
You miss them constantly—but when you're honest, you're missing the version of them you hoped they'd become, not who they actually were. You're missing the relationship you wanted, not the one you had.
What was actually happening:
You're missing potential, not reality. You're missing who you hoped they'd be with enough time, enough love, enough patience. But potential isn't the same as reality. You were in love with a future version of them that didn't exist yet—and might never exist.
The distinction:
If you're missing who you hoped they'd become, you're not missing them—you're missing a fantasy. That's not the same as missing the person who actually showed up.
What helps:
The insight: Potential is seductive. But you can't be in a relationship with someone's potential—only with who they actually are right now.
What happened:
You miss them desperately—but if you're honest, you're missing having someone more than missing them specifically. You're lonely. The nights are hard. You don't want to be alone. You're convinced this means you need them back.
What was actually happening:
You're missing companionship, not them specifically. The relationship had problems—maybe significant ones. But having someone felt better than being alone, so you stayed longer than you should have. Now that you're alone, the loneliness is overwhelming, and you're confusing loneliness with longing.
The distinction:
Loneliness is painful. But loneliness doesn't mean the relationship was right. Someone else could fill the role of "not alone." But that doesn't mean you should go back to someone who wasn't structurally compatible just to avoid loneliness.
What helps:
The insight: Loneliness is real and painful. But it's not a reason to go back to someone who wasn't right for you.