One-Page Summary

What's true

• Attachment patterns are protective strategies, not personality traits
• Under stress, these patterns become rigid and automatic
• Relationships break down when two protective patterns activate and clash
• These patterns aren't "who you are"—they're responses that show up when you're activated
• When you're regulated, you respond differently and have access to your full self
• Regulation must come before repair—you can't repair when both people are activated
• Patterns are workable when both people recognize them and work on regulation
• Patterns are unworkable when only one person is doing the work

Common patterns under stress

Pursue: Chasing, pushing, pursuing connection when distance feels threatening
Withdraw: Pulling back, going quiet, creating distance when intensity feels threatening
Fix: Trying to solve everything, taking responsibility for making things okay
Perform: Overfunctioning, overgiving, performing the "perfect partner"
Resent: Staying but disengaging emotionally, bitter from overgiving
Shutdown: Going quiet, stonewalling, emotionally unavailable during conflict
Flood: Overwhelmed by emotions, unable to think clearly or respond calmly

How patterns clash

• Pursue/Withdraw: One chases, one retreats—creating a self-reinforcing cycle
• Fix/Shutdown: One solves, one collapses—creating more overwhelm
• Perform/Resent: One overgives, one pulls back—creating more distance
• Hypervigilance/Shutdown: One scans for threats, one withdraws from monitoring
• Emotional Flooding/Shutdown: One overwhelms with emotion, one shuts down

When patterns intensify

• Life transitions (moving in, marriage, pregnancy, job changes)
• Conflict (disagreements, hurt feelings, unmet needs)
• Uncertainty (distance, mixed signals, unclear commitment)
• Overwhelm (stress from work, family, finances)
• Unmet needs (repeated disappointment, unrepaired ruptures)

Signals you're activated

• Heart racing, stomach tight, body tense
• Thoughts spiraling, catastrophizing, assuming the worst
• Behaviors becoming automatic (pursuing, withdrawing, fixing)
• Can't access empathy, curiosity, or flexibility
• Responding from protection instead of choice
• Feeling flooded, shut down, or desperate
• Acting in ways that don't match who you want to be

What regulation looks like

• Heart rate is manageable
• Can think clearly instead of catastrophizing
• Can stay present instead of fleeing or fighting
• Can listen without defending
• Can express yourself without attacking
• Can tolerate discomfort without seeking immediate relief
• Can pause before responding
• Can access empathy and curiosity

What makes patterns workable

• Recognition: You can see when your attachment system is activated
• Regulation capacity: You can pause and calm your nervous system before responding
• Flexibility: You can respond differently when you're regulated
• Mutual awareness: Both people can see patterns without blame
• Both people working: Both are willing to recognize and regulate their patterns

What makes patterns unworkable

• Denial: "This is just who I am"—pattern seen as identity, not protection
• Blame: "You make me do this"—no accountability for your own patterns
• Rigidity: "I can't help it"—pattern seen as unchangeable
• One-sided work: Only one person recognizing and regulating patterns
• Chronic activation: No capacity to regulate, always responding from protection

The practice: Notice, Pause, Regulate, Respond

1. Notice when you're activated—What does it feel like in your body?
2. Name the pattern—"I'm pursuing." "I'm withdrawing." "I'm trying to fix everything."
3. Pause—Don't respond immediately. Give yourself space to regulate.
4. Regulate—Use breath, movement, grounding, or other tools to calm your nervous system.
5. Respond from regulation—Once calm, respond from who you actually are, not from the pattern.

What helps (growth avenues)

• Learn what activation feels like in your body
• Build a regulation toolkit (breath, movement, grounding, cognitive reframing)
• Practice pausing before responding when activated
• Name patterns without judgment ("I'm pursuing right now")
• Recognize their patterns as protective, not personal
• Regulate before trying to repair
• Find the middle path between your pattern and its opposite
• Set boundaries around their activated patterns
• Focus on your own regulation, not fixing theirs

Common traps (relief avenues)

• Trying to repair before regulating
• Seeing patterns as personality ("This is just who I am")
• Blaming them for your patterns ("You make me do this")
• Pursuing harder when they withdraw
• Withdrawing harder when they pursue
• Fixing everything to avoid discomfort
• Performing to keep things stable
• Overcorrecting (being the opposite of your pattern instead of finding middle path)
• Engaging with their activated patterns
• Expecting them to regulate for you

One sentence to remember

Attachment patterns aren't who you are—they're protective responses that show up when you're activated, and you can learn to regulate and respond differently.

Where to go next

• Emotional Safety: The Foundation
• Why We Repeat The Same Relationship
• The Quiet Quitting Phase