Reflection & Exercises
Exercise 1 — Activation pattern identification (10 minutes)
Identify your activation patterns—what shows up when you're stressed, threatened, or activated:
- What triggers activation?—What situations, behaviors, or dynamics trigger your attachment system?
- What does activation feel like?—What does it feel like in your body? Heart racing? Stomach tight? Body tense?
- What pattern shows up?—Do you pursue? Withdraw? Fix? Shutdown? Perform? Resent?
- What thoughts show up?—What thoughts do you have when you're activated? Catastrophizing? Assuming the worst?
- What behaviors show up?—What do you do when you're activated? Chase? Pull back? Try harder? Give up?
The key question: Is this who you are, or is this a protective pattern that shows up when you're activated?
Exercise 2 — The regulation baseline (10 minutes)
Identify what you're like when you're regulated—when your attachment system isn't activated:
- How do you feel?—What does it feel like in your body when you're regulated? Calm? Present? Grounded?
- How do you think?—What thoughts do you have when you're regulated? Clear? Accurate? Balanced?
- How do you respond?—How do you respond when you're regulated? From who you actually are? With clarity? With boundaries?
- What's different?—What's different about you when you're regulated vs when you're activated?
The insight: When you're regulated, you respond differently. The patterns that show up under stress aren't who you are—they're protective responses.
Exercise 3 — The pause practice (5 minutes)
Practice pausing when you notice activation:
- Notice activation—Pay attention to when your attachment system activates. What does it feel like?
- Pause—Don't respond immediately. Give yourself space to pause.
- Regulate—Use breath, movement, grounding, or other regulation tools to calm your nervous system.
- Respond from regulation—Once you're regulated, respond from who you actually are, not from the protective pattern.
The goal: Not to never get activated, but to notice activation, pause, regulate, and respond from regulation instead of protection.
Exercise 4 — Pattern vs personality distinction (10 minutes)
For each pattern, ask: "Is this who I am, or is this a protective pattern that shows up when I'm activated?"
Pattern indicators:
- Shows up when you're stressed, threatened, or activated
- Feels automatic, reactive, or protective
- Doesn't match who you want to be
- Repeats even though it doesn't work
- Changes when you're regulated
Personality indicators:
- Consistent across situations
- Feels authentic and aligned
- Matches who you want to be
- Works for you
- Stays the same when you're regulated
The distinction: Patterns under stress are protective responses. Personality is who you are when you're regulated.
Exercise 5 — The overcorrection trap (10 minutes)
Notice when you're overcorrecting—trying to be the opposite of your pattern instead of finding the middle path:
If you tend to pursue:
- Overcorrection: Withdrawing completely, never reaching out, never initiating
- Middle path: Not chasing, but staying present and available
If you tend to withdraw:
- Overcorrection: Pursuing constantly, never giving space, always initiating
- Middle path: Not shutting down, but staying present and connected
If you tend to fix:
- Overcorrection: Never trying, never helping, never engaging
- Middle path: Not fixing everything, but being helpful when appropriate
If you tend to perform:
- Overcorrection: Never doing anything, never showing up, never trying
- Middle path: Not performing to keep things stable, but showing up authentically
The goal: Not to be the opposite of your pattern, but to find the middle path—responding from regulation instead of protection.
Exercise 6 — Their patterns recognition (10 minutes)
Identify their activation patterns—what shows up when they're stressed, threatened, or activated:
- What triggers their activation?—What situations, behaviors, or dynamics trigger their attachment system?
- What pattern shows up?—Do they pursue? Withdraw? Fix? Shutdown? Perform? Resent?
- How do you respond?—How do you respond to their activated patterns? Do you engage? React? Set boundaries?
- What would help?—What would help when they're activated? Space? Presence? Boundaries? Regulation?
The key question: Can you recognize their patterns as protective responses, not personal attacks, and respond accordingly?
Exercise 7 — The regulation toolkit (10 minutes)
Build a toolkit of regulation practices that work for you:
Breath practices:
- Box breathing (4-4-4-4)
- Extended exhale (4-6-8)
- Belly breathing
Movement practices:
- Walking
- Stretching
- Yoga
- Exercise
Grounding practices:
- 5-4-3-2-1 (5 things you see, 4 you hear, 3 you touch, 2 you smell, 1 you taste)
- Body scan
- Cold water on face or wrists
Cognitive practices:
- Reframing thoughts
- Reality checking
- Perspective taking
The goal: Not to never get activated, but to have tools to regulate when you do, so you can respond from regulation instead of protection.
Exercise 8 — The middle path practice (10 minutes)
Practice finding the middle path between your pattern and its opposite:
If you tend to pursue:
- Pattern: Chasing, pushing, pursuing connection
- Opposite: Withdrawing completely, never reaching out
- Middle path: Staying present and available without chasing
If you tend to withdraw:
- Pattern: Shutting down, pulling back, disappearing
- Opposite: Pursuing constantly, never giving space
- Middle path: Staying present and connected without shutting down
If you tend to fix:
- Pattern: Trying to fix everything, make everything okay
- Opposite: Never trying, never helping, never engaging
- Middle path: Being helpful when appropriate without fixing everything
If you tend to perform:
- Pattern: Performing to keep things stable, overgiving
- Opposite: Never doing anything, never showing up
- Middle path: Showing up authentically without performing
The goal: Not to be the opposite of your pattern, but to find the middle path—responding from regulation instead of protection.
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