Scenarios & Examples

Scenario 1 — Pursue/Withdraw

What happened:

When there was distance or conflict, you pursued. You chased, pushed, tried harder to connect. They withdrew. They pulled back, went quiet, disappeared. The more you pursued, the more they withdrew. The more they withdrew, the more you pursued. It became a cycle—chase and distance, pursuit and withdrawal.

How attachment shows up under pressure:

When you're activated, your attachment system activates protective patterns. If you have an anxious attachment pattern, you pursue when there's distance because distance feels threatening. If they have an avoidant attachment pattern, they withdraw when there's intensity because intensity feels threatening.

What was actually happening:

The pattern wasn't about whether you cared or whether they cared—it was about protective responses clashing. When you pursued, it activated their withdrawal. When they withdrew, it activated your pursuit. It became a cycle of activation and protection, not a cycle of connection and disconnection.

What helps:

• Recognize the pattern: The problem isn't that you care too much or they don't care enough—it's that protective patterns are clashing. Notice when the pursue/withdraw cycle starts.
• Regulate your activation: When you notice yourself pursuing, pause. Regulate your nervous system. Respond from regulation, not from activation.
• Set boundaries: You don't have to engage with their withdrawal. You can set boundaries and take care of yourself without pursuing.
• Focus on regulation, not fixing: Don't try to fix their withdrawal or make them engage. Focus on your own regulation and responding from who you actually are.

The goal isn't to stop caring or make them care—it's to recognize the pattern and respond from regulation instead of activation.

Scenario 2 — Fix/Shutdown

What happened:

When there was a problem or conflict, you tried to fix it. You did more, tried harder, worked harder to make everything okay. They shut down. They went quiet, stopped engaging, stopped responding. The more you tried to fix, the more they shut down. The more they shut down, the more you tried to fix. It became a cycle—effort and collapse, fixing and shutdown.

How attachment shows up under pressure:

When you're activated, your attachment system activates protective patterns. If you have an anxious attachment pattern, you try to fix everything when there's a problem because problems feel threatening. If they have an avoidant attachment pattern, they shut down when there's intensity because intensity feels threatening.

What was actually happening:

The pattern wasn't about whether you were trying hard enough or whether they were engaged enough—it was about protective responses clashing. When you tried to fix, it activated their shutdown. When they shut down, it activated your fixing. It became a cycle of activation and protection, not a cycle of problem-solving and engagement.

What helps:

• Recognize the pattern: The problem isn't that you're not trying hard enough or they're not engaged enough—it's that protective patterns are clashing. Notice when the fix/shutdown cycle starts.
• Regulate your activation: When you notice yourself trying to fix everything, pause. Regulate your nervous system. Respond from regulation, not from activation.
• Set boundaries: You don't have to fix everything or make everything okay. You can set boundaries and take care of yourself without fixing.
• Focus on regulation, not fixing: Don't try to fix their shutdown or make them engage. Focus on your own regulation and responding from who you actually are.

The goal isn't to stop trying or make them engage—it's to recognize the pattern and respond from regulation instead of activation.

Scenario 3 — Perform/Resent

What happened:

You performed to keep things stable. You did more, gave more, tried harder to make everything work. They resented the performance. They felt like you were doing too much, trying too hard, being inauthentic. The more you performed, the more they resented. The more they resented, the more you performed. It became a cycle—effort and resentment, performance and collapse.

How attachment shows up under pressure:

When you're activated, your attachment system activates protective patterns. If you have an anxious attachment pattern, you perform when there's instability because instability feels threatening. If they have an avoidant attachment pattern, they resent performance because it feels like pressure or inauthenticity.

What was actually happening:

The pattern wasn't about whether you were doing enough or whether they were appreciative enough—it was about protective responses clashing. When you performed, it activated their resentment. When they resented, it activated your performance. It became a cycle of activation and protection, not a cycle of effort and appreciation.

What helps:

• Recognize the pattern: The problem isn't that you're not doing enough or they're not appreciative enough—it's that protective patterns are clashing. Notice when the perform/resent cycle starts.
• Regulate your activation: When you notice yourself performing, pause. Regulate your nervous system. Respond from regulation, not from activation.
• Set boundaries: You don't have to perform to keep things stable. You can set boundaries and take care of yourself without performing.
• Focus on regulation, not fixing: Don't try to fix their resentment or make them appreciate. Focus on your own regulation and responding from who you actually are.

The goal isn't to stop trying or make them appreciate—it's to recognize the pattern and respond from regulation instead of activation.

Scenario 4 — Hypervigilance/Shutdown

What happened:

You were constantly scanning for threats, problems, or signs that something was wrong. You were always on alert, always watching, always worried. They shut down from the hypervigilance. They felt watched, monitored, or controlled. The more you scanned, the more they shut down. The more they shut down, the more you scanned. It became a cycle—vigilance and collapse, watching and withdrawal.

How attachment shows up under pressure:

When you're activated, your attachment system activates protective patterns. If you have an anxious attachment pattern, you become hypervigilant when there's uncertainty because uncertainty feels threatening. If they have an avoidant attachment pattern, they shut down when there's monitoring because monitoring feels threatening.

What was actually happening:

The pattern wasn't about whether you were paying attention or whether they were hiding something—it was about protective responses clashing. When you scanned, it activated their shutdown. When they shut down, it activated your scanning. It became a cycle of activation and protection, not a cycle of awareness and openness.

What helps:

• Recognize the pattern: The problem isn't that you're not paying attention or they're hiding something—it's that protective patterns are clashing. Notice when the hypervigilance/shutdown cycle starts.
• Regulate your activation: When you notice yourself scanning, pause. Regulate your nervous system. Respond from regulation, not from activation.
• Set boundaries: You don't have to scan for threats or monitor everything. You can set boundaries and take care of yourself without hypervigilance.
• Focus on regulation, not fixing: Don't try to fix their shutdown or make them open up. Focus on your own regulation and responding from who you actually are.

The goal isn't to stop paying attention or make them open up—it's to recognize the pattern and respond from regulation instead of activation.

Scenario 5 — Emotional Flooding/Shutdown

What happened:

When there was conflict or intensity, you got flooded with emotions. You couldn't think clearly, couldn't respond calmly, couldn't stay present. They shut down from the flooding. They felt overwhelmed, unable to engage, unable to respond. The more you flooded, the more they shut down. The more they shut down, the more you flooded. It became a cycle—activation and collapse, flooding and withdrawal.

How attachment shows up under pressure:

When you're activated, your attachment system activates protective patterns. If you have an anxious attachment pattern, you get flooded with emotions when there's conflict because conflict feels threatening. If they have an avoidant attachment pattern, they shut down when there's emotional intensity because intensity feels threatening.

What was actually happening:

The pattern wasn't about whether you were too emotional or whether they were too cold—it was about protective responses clashing. When you flooded, it activated their shutdown. When they shut down, it activated your flooding. It became a cycle of activation and protection, not a cycle of emotional expression and engagement.

What helps:

• Recognize the pattern: The problem isn't that you're too emotional or they're too cold—it's that protective patterns are clashing. Notice when the flooding/shutdown cycle starts.
• Regulate your activation: When you notice yourself flooding, pause. Regulate your nervous system. Use breath, movement, grounding, or other regulation tools to calm down.
• Set boundaries: You don't have to flood or get overwhelmed. You can set boundaries and take care of yourself without flooding.
• Focus on regulation, not fixing: Don't try to fix their shutdown or make them engage. Focus on your own regulation and responding from who you actually are.

The goal isn't to stop feeling or make them feel—it's to recognize the pattern and respond from regulation instead of activation.

Related reading

• Why We Repeat The Same Relationship
• The Quiet Quitting Phase