Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — Surface vs Structural analysis (10 minutes)

Create two columns. In the left column, write the surface reason they gave (or what you think caused the breakup). In the right column, write what the structural issue might actually be.

Surface reason they gave	Structural issue (what actually broke)
"We're incompatible"	Lack of repair capacity when conflicts arise
"The timing is wrong"	One person doesn't have capacity for growth threshold
"I need to work on myself"	Emotional regulation skills aren't developed
"We want different things"	Boundary capacity issues (can't negotiate needs)
"I don't feel the same way"	Emotional safety was never established
"We fight too much"	No repair skills, so conflicts never resolve

The key question: If you fixed the surface issue, would the relationship actually work? If the answer is no, the surface issue isn't the real problem.

Exercise 2 — The timeline exercise (15 minutes)

Map out the relationship timeline, focusing on when structural issues showed up, not just when surface problems appeared:

1. Early stages—What was the emotional safety like? Could you both be vulnerable? Express needs? Make mistakes?
2. First conflicts—How did you handle the first disagreements? Was there repair? Or did things get swept under the rug?
3. Growth thresholds—When did the relationship require something new? What happened when growth was needed?
4. Patterns—What patterns kept repeating? What didn't get addressed?
5. The final argument—What was the surface reason? What was the structural issue that had been building?

The insight: The final argument was usually a symptom, not the cause. The structural issue had been present for a while.

Exercise 3 — Repair point identification (10 minutes)

Identify specific moments where repair could have happened but didn't:

1. List 3-5 conflicts—What were the arguments or disagreements?
2. What was the surface issue?—What did you argue about on the surface?
3. What was the structural issue?—What was actually happening underneath?
4. What repair would have looked like—If you had repair skills, what would have happened?
5. Why repair didn't happen—What prevented repair? (Lack of skills, emotional safety, capacity?)

The goal: Not to blame yourself or them, but to see where repair points existed and what was missing. This helps you understand what actually broke, not just what the final argument was about.

Exercise 4 — The "What if I fixed that?" test (5 minutes)

For each surface reason, ask: "If I fixed this surface issue, would the relationship actually work?"

• "If we were more compatible, would it work?"—Probably not, if the structural issue is repair capacity or emotional safety.
• "If the timing was better, would it work?"—Probably not, if the structural issue is growth capacity or attachment patterns.
• "If I worked on myself, would it work?"—Maybe, if the structural issue is your own capacity. But if it's their capacity or mutual capacity, probably not.

The test: If fixing the surface issue wouldn't actually fix the relationship, the surface issue isn't the real problem.

Exercise 5 — Structural capacity inventory (15 minutes)

Assess the structural capacity that was present (or missing) in the relationship:

Emotional safety:

• Could you both be vulnerable without fear of attack?
• Could you express needs without starting a fight?
• Could you make mistakes without being shamed?

Repair capacity:

• When conflicts happened, was there a way to repair?
• Could you both take accountability without self-attack?
• Did conflicts resolve, or did they just get swept under the rug?

Growth capacity:

• When the relationship hit a growth threshold, could you both meet it?
• Did you have the skills to handle increased intimacy, conflict, or life stress?
• Could you both grow, or did one person avoid growth?

Boundary capacity:

• Could you set boundaries without control?
• Could you respect boundaries without resentment?
• Could you negotiate needs without manipulation?

The inventory: This helps you see what structural capacity was missing, not just what surface issues appeared.

Exercise 6 — The "What I can't change" acceptance (5 minutes)

List what you can't change:

• Their structural capacity—You can't give them repair skills, emotional regulation, or growth capacity
• The past—You can't go back and fix what already happened
• Their reasons—You can't make them understand or articulate the structural issue
• The relationship—If the structural capacity isn't there, you can't fix the relationship

Then list what you can change:

• Your own structural capacity—You can build your own repair skills, emotional regulation, growth capacity
• Your understanding—You can see the difference between surface reasons and structural causes
• Future relationships—You can choose partners who have structural capacity, or build it together
• Your patterns—You can work on your own patterns so you don't repeat them

The acceptance: You can't fix what you can't change. Focus on what you can change.

Exercise 7 — The repair skills practice (for future relationships)

Even if this relationship is over, practice repair skills for future relationships:

1. After a conflict, practice repair:

   • Take accountability for your part (without self-attack)
   • Express what you need (without blame)
   • Listen to what they need (without defensiveness)
   • Find a way forward together

2. Practice emotional regulation:

   • Notice when you're activated
   • Regulate your nervous system (breathing, grounding, movement)
   • Respond from regulation, not activation

3. Practice boundary setting:

   • Set boundaries that invite growth, not control
   • Respect boundaries without resentment
   • Negotiate needs without manipulation

The practice: These skills take time to build. Start practicing now, even if you're not in a relationship. The skills will serve you in future relationships.

Reflection prompts

• "What was the surface reason they gave? What was the structural issue that actually broke?"
• "If I fixed the surface issue, would the relationship actually work? Why or why not?"
• "What repair points existed? What prevented repair from happening?"
• "What structural capacity was missing? What can I build in myself?"
• "What can I change? What can't I change? How do I accept what I can't change?"
• "What patterns do I need to work on so I don't repeat this?"

Related reading

• Emotional Safety: The Foundation
• What Healthy Reconciliation Looks Like
• Relief vs Growth