Scenarios & Examples

Scenario 1 — "It was about communication"

What they said:

"We just couldn't communicate. Every conversation turned into a fight. We couldn't talk about anything without it becoming an argument."

What was actually happening:

The surface issue was communication—you couldn't talk without fighting. But the structural issue was emotional safety. When emotional safety isn't present, any conversation feels threatening. You can't express needs, make mistakes, or have difficult conversations without fear of attack, so every attempt to communicate becomes defensive or aggressive.

The communication problems were symptoms, not the cause. The cause was that one or both of you didn't feel safe to be vulnerable, express needs, or have difficult conversations without fear of attack.

What helps:

• Recognize the structural issue: The problem wasn't communication skills—it was emotional safety. You can't communicate well when you don't feel safe.
• Work on emotional safety: If you're in a relationship, focus on building emotional safety first. If you're not, work on your own capacity to create safety.
• See communication as a symptom: When communication breaks down, ask: "What's the emotional safety like? Can we both be vulnerable? Express needs? Make mistakes?"
• Build safety skills: Learn how to create emotional safety—how to listen without defensiveness, respond without attack, repair after conflict.

The goal isn't to fix communication—it's to build emotional safety so communication becomes possible.

Scenario 2 — "It was about compatibility"

What they said:

"We're just not compatible. We want different things. We have different values. We're not a good match."

What was actually happening:

The surface issue was compatibility—you wanted different things or had different values. But the structural issue was often repair capacity or boundary capacity. When you have different needs or values, you need to be able to negotiate, set boundaries, and repair when conflicts arise. If you don't have those skills, differences become dealbreakers instead of things you can work through.

Compatibility issues are often capacity issues in disguise. The problem isn't that you're different—it's that you don't have the skills to navigate differences.

What helps:

• Recognize the capacity issue: The problem wasn't that you were incompatible—it was that you didn't have the capacity to navigate differences.
• Work on repair and boundary skills: Learn how to negotiate needs, set boundaries, and repair when conflicts arise.
• See differences as workable: Differences aren't dealbreakers if you have the skills to navigate them. The problem is when you don't have those skills.
• Build capacity for differences: Practice negotiating needs, setting boundaries, and repairing conflicts in your relationships.

The goal isn't to find someone who's exactly like you—it's to build the capacity to navigate differences healthily.

Scenario 3 — "It was about timing"

What they said:

"The timing just wasn't right. I need to work on myself. I'm not ready for a relationship. We met at the wrong time."

What was actually happening:

The surface issue was timing—the relationship happened at the wrong time, or one person wasn't ready. But the structural issue was often growth capacity. When a relationship hits a growth threshold and one person doesn't have the skills, tolerance, or support to meet it, they often say "the timing is wrong" because it's easier than saying "I don't have the capacity for this."

Timing is often a surface reason that masks growth capacity issues. The problem isn't when the relationship happened—it's that one or both people didn't have the capacity to grow when growth was required.

What helps:

• Recognize the capacity issue: The problem wasn't timing—it was growth capacity. One or both people didn't have the skills to meet the growth threshold.
• Work on growth capacity: Build your own growth capacity—learn to tolerate discomfort, take accountability, repair after conflict, set boundaries, regulate emotions.
• See timing as a capacity issue: When someone says "the timing is wrong," ask: "What capacity is missing? What skills would be needed?"
• Build growth skills: Practice tolerating discomfort, taking accountability, repairing conflicts, setting boundaries, regulating emotions.

The goal isn't to wait for the right time—it's to build the capacity to grow when growth is required.

Scenario 4 — "It was about the final argument"

What they said:

"We had a huge fight about [specific thing], and that was it. That argument ended everything. If we hadn't fought about that, we'd still be together."

What was actually happening:

The surface issue was the final argument—that specific fight that ended the relationship. But the structural issue was patterns that had been building for a while. The final argument was usually a symptom, not the cause. It was the moment when accumulated resentment, unresolved conflicts, or structural issues finally became too much.

The final argument didn't cause the breakup—it was the moment when everything that had been building finally surfaced. The real issues had been present for a while, but the final argument was when they became undeniable.

What helps:

• Recognize the pattern: The problem wasn't the final argument—it was patterns that had been building. The argument was a symptom, not the cause.
• Look at the timeline: What patterns had been building? What issues had been unresolved? What structural problems had been present?
• See the argument as a symptom: When you think about the final argument, ask: "What was actually happening? What patterns had been building?"
• Work on repair skills: Learn how to repair after conflicts so resentment doesn't build. Practice taking accountability, expressing needs, and finding ways forward together.

The goal isn't to avoid arguments—it's to build repair skills so arguments don't become dealbreakers.

Scenario 5 — "It was about needing space"

What they said:

"I just need space. I need to figure things out on my own. I need time to think. I need to be alone for a while."

What was actually happening:

The surface issue was needing space—one person needed time alone to think or figure things out. But the structural issue was often attachment patterns under stress. When attachment patterns show up under stress, one person might withdraw or shut down, saying they "need space" when what's actually happening is they're using avoidant strategies to manage activation.

Needing space can be legitimate, but it can also be a way of avoiding difficult feelings, conflicts, or growth work. The problem isn't the need for space—it's when space becomes a way of avoiding what needs to be addressed.

What helps:

• Recognize the attachment pattern: The problem might not be needing space—it might be attachment patterns showing up under stress. Are they withdrawing to avoid difficult feelings or conflicts?
• Distinguish healthy space from avoidance: Healthy space is temporary and has a purpose. Avoidance is ongoing and prevents addressing issues.
• Work on attachment patterns: If you're the one needing space, examine your patterns. Are you withdrawing to avoid difficult feelings? Can you stay present and address issues?
• Build capacity for difficult conversations: Learn how to have difficult conversations without withdrawing. Practice staying present, expressing needs, and working through conflicts.

The goal isn't to never need space—it's to distinguish healthy space from avoidance and build capacity to address issues directly.

Related reading

• The Quiet Quitting Phase
• Emotional Safety: The Foundation