Signals & Misreads

Signals You Are "Drifting" (Passive)

• You let the weekend happen to you. You wake up Saturday with no plan and end up scrolling for 4 hours.
• Your primary topic is the breakup. Every conversation circles back to "them."
• You wait for invites. You sit at home waiting for friends to drag you out.
• You numb out. Netflix, alcohol, sleep.

Signals You Are "Driving" (Active)

• You plan your leisure. You buy tickets to a concert 2 weeks out.
• You change the subject. When friends ask about the ex, you say, "I'm good, let's talk about [project]."
• You initiate. You send the texts: "Hey, want to grab dinner?"
• You create. You are making something (food, art, money, heavy weights).

The "Fake Forward" Signal (Manic Activity)

The Signal: You are out at the club 4 nights a week. You are posting 10 stories a day. The Reality: This is running away, not choosing forward. It's avoidance. The Check: Are you doing this to have fun, or to avoid being alone in your quiet apartment?

The "Bitterness" Signal

The Signal: "I don't need anyone. Relationships are stupid." The Reality: This is armor. You are hurt, so you are closing the shop. The Goal: "I want a relationship eventually, but right now I am choosing me." (Open heart, strong boundaries).

Misreading "Boredom"

The Misread: "My new life is boring compared to the relationship drama." The Reality: Peace often feels like boredom to a nervous system addicted to chaos. Correction: Reframe "boring" as "stable." Use the stability to build something complex.

The Ultimate Signal: Curiosity

The biggest sign you have Chosen Forward is Curiosity.

• "I wonder what I can learn?"
• "I wonder who I will meet?" Instead of "I remember what I lost," you shift to "I wonder what is next."

The “Agency Check”

Ask yourself:

• Did I make one deliberate choice today?
• Did I move my body, my mind, or my life forward?

If yes, you are choosing forward.

: Research TODO: Add citations on agency, behavioral activation, and recovery after loss.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.