Signals & Misreads

The Signal You Think You Are Sending vs. The Signal They Receive

When you want someone back desperately, you think you are sending signals of Devotion.

• "I love you so much."
• "I'll do anything to make it work."
• "I'm waiting for you."

But if this is coming from a place of Need, they receive signals of Burden.

• "You are responsible for my happiness."
• "I am unstable without you."
• "I have no boundaries."

This is why "devotion" often pushes people away. It feels heavy.

Need vs. Want: The Critical Distinction

You must learn to distinguish these two internal states.

Signals of Need (The "Safety" Drive)

• The feeling: Panic, tightness in the chest, obsession, rushing.
• The goal: To secure safety. To stop the pain of separation.
• The behavior: Over-texting, over-explaining, apologizing excessively, accepting poor treatment.
• The message to them: "I am incomplete. Complete me."

Signals of Want (The "Growth" Drive)

• The feeling: Sadness (clean grief), groundedness, patience, clarity.
• The goal: To share a life. To build something good.
• The behavior: Giving space, setting boundaries, focusing on self, communicating clearly without demand.
• The message to them: "I am whole. I would love to share my wholeness with you."

Are You "Waiting" or "Living"?

"Waiting" is a signal. It is an active state of suspension.

Signals that you are Waiting (Low Value):

• You haven't planned a vacation because "what if they want to go?"
• You keep weekends open "just in case."
• You delay big life decisions (moving, job changes).
• You constantly talk about them to friends.
• You feel like your life is on "pause."

Signals that you are Living (High Value):

• You book tickets. You make plans.
• You fill your calendar.
• You pursue goals that have nothing to do with them.
• You have moments where you genuinely forget to think about them.
• Your life is moving forward; they have to catch up if they want on board.

The "Vibe Shift" They Will Feel

When you move from Need to Want, they will feel it, even if you don't speak.

1. The text frequency changes. You stop double-texting. You stop sending "good morning" texts to silence.
2. The content changes. You stop asking questions that demand a response. You share (if at all) without expectation.
3. The energy changes. When you do talk, you aren't "leaning in" energetically. You are sitting back. You aren't trying to extract validation.

Misreading Their Reactions

When you start practicing Outcome Independence, you might misread their reaction.

The "check-in" misread:

• They say: "You seem different." or "You've been quiet."
• You think: "Oh no, they think I don't care! I better reassure them!"
• Correction: STOP. Do not reassure. This observation means it is working. They are noticing your change in energetic weight. Just say, "Yeah, I've just been focusing on some new things. It feels good."

The "anger" misread:

• They say: "I guess you moved on fast." (Passive aggressive).
• You think: "They are mad! I need to prove I'm still waiting!"
• Correction: This is a control tactic. They are upset that you aren't pining. Stand your ground. "I'm just trying to heal and move forward healthy. I hope you are too."

The Ultimate Signal: Are You Willing to Walk Away?

The truest signal of Outcome Independence is the Willingness to Walk Away.

In negotiation, the person who is most willing to walk away has the most power. In relationships, the person who is willing to walk away has the most dignity.

If you are not willing to walk away, you have no bottom line. You will accept anything. And you cannot build a healthy relationship if you accept anything.

Check: Is there anything they could do right now (disrespect, new partner, cruelty) that would make you say, "Okay, I'm done"?

• If yes: You have a foundation.
• If no: You are in a danger zone of unconditional submission. You need to build your boundaries before you build a relationship.