If You Want Them Back: The Hardest Truth - Examples

Scenario 1: They start seeing someone else

The Nightmare: You find out they are on dating apps or went on a date.

Response A: The Attached (Scarcity)

Action: You panic. You text them crying. You stalk the new person online. You try to compete.
Mindset: "I am being replaced. I have to fight for my spot."
Result: You look crazy and insecure. You validate their decision to leave. You push them closer to the new person (who seems "drama free").

Response B: The Independent (Abundance)

Action: You feel the pain, deeply. You call your best friend and cry. But you do not contact your ex. You mute their socials. You go to the gym.
Mindset: "That hurts. But if they want to be with someone else, let them. I don't want someone who doesn't want me. I am not competing for love."
Result: You maintain your dignity. Your silence is loud. Often, rebound relationships fail quickly. When they do, your ex remembers you as the one who handled it with class, not the one who freaked out.

The Test: They text you at 10 PM saying "I miss you."

Response A: The Attached (Scarcity)

Action: "I miss you too! I've been so miserable. Can we talk?"
Mindset: "This is my chance! I have to grab it before it disappears."
Result: You relieve their guilt. They got their validation fix. They likely ghost or pull back the next day because you made it too easy.

Response B: The Independent (Abundance)

Action: "I appreciate that. It's been hard for me too. But I'm looking for a real partnership, not just late night texts. Let me know if you want to talk about that."
Mindset: "I miss them too, but I value myself more. I am willing to risk losing the text interaction to gain a real standard."
Result: It sets a barrier. They have to step up or step off. You filter out low-effort behavior immediately.

The Meeting: You agree to meet for coffee after 2 months.

Response A: The Attached (Scarcity)

Action: You dress up excessively. You stare into their eyes deeply. You try to deduce "what we are." You bring up the relationship. You seek reassurance.
Mindset: "I need to perform perfectly so they want me back."
Result: The energy is heavy and awkward. They feel pressured. They leave thinking, "Yeah, this is too much."

Response B: The Independent (Abundance)

Action: You look good but casual. You smile. You talk about your new hobbies. You ask about them. You keep it light. If there is a lull, you are okay with silence. You check your watch and leave first because you have plans.
Mindset: "I am assessing them. Do I even like who they are right now? I'm just catching up with an old friend."
Result: The energy is light and attractive. You seem mysterious and self-contained. They leave thinking, "Wow, they've changed. I wonder what they're up to?"

The Talk: You meet to exchange things.

Response A: The Attached (Scarcity)

Action: You engage in a 3-hour autopsy of the relationship. You argue about who was right. You plead your case.
Mindset: "If I explain it well enough, they will change their mind."
Result: Conflict. Resentment. You re-open old wounds. You leave feeling drained and rejected again.

Response B: The Independent (Abundance)

Action: You exchange items. You say, "It's sad it ended this way, but I accept it. I wish you the best." You mean it. You leave.
Mindset: "The relationship is over. There is nothing to debate. My closure comes from moving on."
Result: Powerful finality. It hits them that you are actually gone. This often triggers the onset of their grief (which they delayed while you were chasing).

Notice the difference:

Paradoxically, letting them be free is the only thing that ever makes them want to return.