TruAlign

Exercises

Chapter 15: When Distance Helps vs Hardens

Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — Distance audit: Helping or hardening? (10 minutes)

Answer these questions honestly if you're currently in distance/no contact:

Is distance helping?

  • Am I steadier now than when we were in constant contact?
  • Can I see patterns I couldn't see before?
  • Am I working on my own capacity (regulation, boundaries, repair skills)?
  • Do I feel clearer about what happened and what would need to change?
  • Can I hold complexity (miss them and know space was needed)?
  • Am I building a life separate from them?

Is distance hardening?

  • Am I frozen in waiting, not building anything?
  • Is resentment growing instead of softening?
  • Am I avoiding feeling instead of processing?
  • Have months passed with no clarity or growth?
  • Am I using distance as punishment or hoping it changes their mind?
  • Do I reach out sporadically to keep them attached?

The insight: If most answers point to "helping," continue. If most point to "hardening," distance has become avoidance.

Exercise 2 — Purpose of distance check (5 minutes)

Complete this sentence:

"The purpose of this distance is..."

Healthy answers:

  • "...to regulate my nervous system so I can see clearly."
  • "...to work on my own capacity without reacting to them."
  • "...to break the pursue/withdraw cycle so repair becomes possible."
  • "...to create space for both of us to grow."

Unhealthy answers:

  • "...to make them miss me so they come back."
  • "...to punish them for hurting me."
  • "...to avoid dealing with my feelings."
  • "...to wait until they change."

If you can't name the purpose: Distance has no direction. Clarify what it's for, or reconsider whether it's serving you.

Exercise 3 — The 90-day clarity checkpoint (15 minutes)

If you've been in distance for 90+ days, answer these:

  1. Am I clearer now than I was 90 days ago?

    • What patterns can I see now that I couldn't see then?
    • What have I learned about myself, them, the dynamic?

  2. Has anything structurally changed?

    • In me? In them? In the dynamic?
    • If nothing has changed, would reconnecting just repeat the same patterns?

  3. Am I building my own life, or am I waiting?

    • What have I built in these 90 days?
    • Do I have routine, connection, identity separate from them?

  4. If we reconnected tomorrow, what would need to be different?

    • Be specific. Write down 3-5 structural changes required.
    • Has any of that work been done during distance?

  5. Do I miss them, or do I miss having someone?

    • Would anyone fill the void, or only them specifically?

The decision point: If nothing has structurally changed and you're still waiting, distance has become avoidance. Either recommit to growth work or accept that this distance is permanent.

Exercise 4 — "Am I using distance intentionally?" test (7 minutes)

For each statement, mark True or False:

  • I know why I'm in distance (purpose is clear)
  • I'm working on my own capacity during this time
  • I'm not reaching out sporadically to "check in"
  • I'm respecting the boundary even when it's hard
  • I'm processing feelings instead of avoiding them
  • I'm building a life, not just waiting
  • I can imagine forward without needing them back to feel okay
  • If we reconnected, I know what would need to change

If most are True: You're using distance intentionally.
If most are False: Distance has become avoidance or a tactic.

Exercise 5 — The "reach out" urge protocol (5 minutes)

When the urge to break silence hits, practice this:

  1. Pause. Don't act on the urge immediately.

  2. Name what you're feeling. "I miss them." "I'm lonely." "I want reassurance." "I'm afraid they're moving on."

  3. Ask: "Will reaching out address the structural issue?"

    • Usually, no. Reaching out provides relief, not resolution.

  4. Ask: "Am I reaching out for me, or for them?"

    • If it's to soothe your anxiety, don't. If it's to genuinely communicate something that needs saying, consider it.

  5. Wait 48 hours. If the urge persists, reassess. If it passes, it was relief-seeking, not necessary contact.

The practice: Not all urges require action. Most are temporary and pass if you sit with them.

Exercise 6 — "Space as manipulation" check (7 minutes)

Answer honestly:

  1. Am I hoping distance will make them miss me enough to come back?

    • If yes, this isn't distance—it's a tactic.

  2. Am I using distance to punish them?

    • If yes, this isn't healing—it's retaliation.

  3. Would I tell them honestly why I'm in distance if they asked?

    • If no, you're not being clear with yourself or them.

  4. Am I reaching out sporadically to keep them attached?

    • If yes, you're not in distance—you're bread-crumbing.

  5. Am I genuinely working on myself, or just waiting for them to change?

    • If waiting, you're not using distance intentionally.

The distinction: Healthy distance is for clarity and capacity-building. Manipulative distance is to control an outcome.

Exercise 7 — Energy tracking over time (ongoing practice)

Track your energy weekly during distance:

WeekSteadier or more panicked?Clearer or more confused?Building or waiting?Missing them or missing anyone?
1-2
3-4
5-8
9-12

The pattern: If you're steadier, clearer, and building over time, distance is helping. If you're more panicked, confused, and frozen, distance is hardening.

Exercise 8 — "What would need to change?" list (10 minutes)

If you imagine reconnecting, what would need to be structurally different?

Write 5-10 specific changes:

Example:

  • We'd both need repair skills (not just awareness—actual practice)
  • They'd need to be able to hear feedback without shutting down
  • I'd need to set boundaries without feeling guilty
  • We'd need a way to handle conflict that works for both of us
  • They'd need to have done their own work (not just say they will)

Now ask:

  • Has any of this work been done during distance?
  • If we reconnected tomorrow, would these changes be in place?
  • Am I hoping for change, or have I seen evidence of change?

The reality: If nothing has changed, reconnecting just restarts the same cycle.

Reflection prompts

  • Is this distance helping me see clearly, or am I just avoiding?
  • Am I working on myself, or am I waiting for them to change?
  • Can I name the purpose of this distance?
  • Am I steadier now than I was 30/60/90 days ago?
  • Do I miss them specifically, or do I miss having someone?
  • If we reconnected tomorrow, what would need to be different?
  • Has anything structurally changed, or would the same patterns repeat?
  • Am I using distance intentionally, or has it become a tactic?

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