Reflection & Exercises
Exercise 1 — Disengagement signal inventory (10 minutes)
Create a list of the disengagement signals you're noticing. Be specific:
- Communication changes—How has communication changed? Less frequent? Less personal? More functional?
- Investment changes—How has their investment changed? Less effort? Less interest? Less engagement?
- Connection changes—How has connection changed? Less physical? Less emotional? Less vulnerable?
- Future changes—How have future plans changed? Less planning? More vague? More avoidance?
- Repair changes—How has repair changed? Less repair? No repair? More distance after conflict?
The key question: Are these temporary changes (with a purpose and end point) or ongoing disengagement (without a clear purpose)?
Exercise 2 — Space vs quiet quitting distinction (5 minutes)
For each signal, ask: "Is this healthy space/independence, or is this quiet quitting?"
Healthy space/independence:
- Has a clear purpose (stress, work deadline, personal growth)
- Has a timeline or end point
- They still invest in the relationship
- They communicate about their needs
- They're present when they're present
Quiet quitting:
- No clear purpose or end point
- Ongoing disengagement
- They stop investing in the relationship
- They avoid communication about their needs
- They're not present even when they're present
The distinction: Healthy space is temporary and has a purpose. Quiet quitting is ongoing and doesn't have a clear purpose.
Exercise 3 — The pursuit vs collapse map (10 minutes)
When you notice disengagement, what's your default response?
Pursuit response:
- You try harder, do more, initiate more
- You chase, push, or pursue connection
- You feel anxious, desperate, or panicked
- You can't tolerate the distance
- You try to fix it or make them engage
Collapse response:
- You shut down, withdraw, or give up
- You stop trying, stop initiating, stop investing
- You feel hopeless, defeated, or resigned
- You can't tolerate the uncertainty
- You assume it's over and act accordingly
The middle path:
- You notice the disengagement without pursuing or collapsing
- You set boundaries and communicate clearly
- You focus on your own capacity and needs
- You tolerate uncertainty without trying to control it
- You respond with clarity instead of reacting
The goal: Not to pursue or collapse, but to notice, set boundaries, and respond with clarity.
Exercise 4 — The clarity conversation script (5 minutes)
If you're noticing disengagement, practice having a clarity conversation:
Opening:
"I'm noticing you seem less engaged. I want to check in—is something going on? Do you need space? Are you pulling back from the relationship?"
If they say they need space:
"Okay, I can respect that. Can you help me understand what's going on? And is there a timeline? I want to make sure we're on the same page."
If they're vague or avoid:
"I hear you, but I'm still not clear. I can't be in a relationship where I'm doing all the work or where I'm not sure where we stand. Can you help me understand what's happening?"
If they're quietly quitting:
"I understand. I can't make you engage, and I won't try to. I need to know where we stand so I can make decisions for myself."
The goal: Not to fix it or make them engage, but to get clarity so you can respond accordingly.
Exercise 5 — Boundary setting for disengagement (10 minutes)
When someone is quietly quitting, set boundaries:
Boundary 1 — No pursuit:
"I won't chase you or try to make you engage. If you're not invested, I need to know so I can make decisions for myself."
Boundary 2 — No collapse:
"I won't shut down or give up. I'll continue to show up for myself and make decisions based on what's actually happening, not what I hope is happening."
Boundary 3 — Clarity requirement:
"I can't be in a relationship where I'm not sure where we stand. If you're pulling back, I need to know. If you need space, I need to know when and why."
Boundary 4 — Self-respect:
"I won't stay in a relationship where I'm doing all the work or where I'm not being met halfway. I deserve someone who's invested and engaged."
The goal: Not to control them, but to set boundaries that protect your own capacity and self-respect.
Exercise 6 — Your capacity assessment (10 minutes)
Assess your own capacity for handling disengagement:
Can you tolerate uncertainty?
- Can you wait for clarity without pursuing or collapsing?
- Can you set boundaries and stick to them?
- Can you make decisions based on what's actually happening?
Can you set boundaries?
- Can you say what you need without trying to control them?
- Can you protect your own capacity and self-respect?
- Can you respond with clarity instead of reacting?
Can you let go if needed?
- Can you recognize when someone is quietly quitting and respond accordingly?
- Can you let go if they're not invested, even if you want them to be?
- Can you make decisions for yourself based on reality, not hope?
The goal: Not to be perfect, but to assess your capacity and build skills where needed.
Exercise 7 — The "What if I stopped trying?" test (5 minutes)
Ask yourself: "If I stopped trying, initiating, or pursuing, would the relationship continue?"
- If yes—They're engaged. The relationship can continue even if you're not doing all the work.
- If no—They're quietly quitting. The relationship only continues if you're doing all the work.
The test: If the relationship only continues because you're doing all the work, they're quietly quitting. You can't make someone engage, and you shouldn't have to.
Exercise 8 — Response plan (10 minutes)
Create a response plan for when you notice disengagement:
- Notice the signals—What specific signals are you seeing? Name them.
- Distinguish space from quiet quitting—Is this healthy space or quiet quitting?
- Have a clarity conversation—Ask for clarity about what's happening.
- Set boundaries—Set boundaries that protect your capacity and self-respect.
- Assess your capacity—Can you tolerate uncertainty? Set boundaries? Let go if needed?
- Respond accordingly—Based on what's actually happening, not what you hope is happening.
The goal: Not to fix it or make them engage, but to respond with clarity and boundaries instead of pursuing or collapsing.
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