Scenarios & Examples
Scenario 1 — "They stopped initiating"
What happened:
They used to initiate dates, conversations, and quality time. They used to text first, call first, make plans first. Then, gradually, they stopped. You found yourself always being the one to initiate, plan, and try. If you didn't reach out, they wouldn't. If you didn't make plans, they wouldn't. If you didn't try, nothing would happen.
How disengagement formed:
Disengagement often starts with small shifts in investment. They stop initiating because they're not as invested, but they don't have the capacity or courage to end it directly. So they pull back gradually, hoping the relationship will end naturally without them having to do it.
What accelerated it:
- Your pursuit—When you noticed they stopped initiating, you started trying harder. You initiated more, planned more, did more. This accelerated the disengagement because they didn't have to invest—you were doing all the work.
- No boundaries—When you didn't set boundaries about doing all the work, they learned they could disengage without consequences. They could pull back and you'd just try harder.
- No clarity conversation—When you didn't ask for clarity about what was happening, they could continue disengaging without having to address it. They could avoid the difficult conversation.
What helps:
- Notice the pattern early—When they stop initiating, notice it. Don't immediately try harder to compensate.
- Have a clarity conversation—"I'm noticing I'm always the one initiating. Is something going on? Are you pulling back?"
- Set boundaries—"I can't be in a relationship where I'm doing all the work. If you're not invested, I need to know."
- Stop compensating—Don't try harder when they pull back. Let them show their investment level, and respond accordingly.
The goal isn't to make them initiate—it's to recognize when they've stopped and respond with clarity and boundaries.
Scenario 2 — "They stopped making plans"
What happened:
They used to make plans for the weekend, for trips, for future things. They used to talk about what you'd do together, where you'd go, what you'd experience. Then, gradually, they stopped. They stopped making plans, stopped talking about the future, stopped investing in what was ahead. When you brought up future plans, they'd be vague or avoid it.
How disengagement formed:
Disengagement often shows up in future planning because future planning requires investment. When someone is quietly quitting, they stop investing in the future because they're not sure they want one together. They become vague or avoid future plans because they don't want to commit to something they're not sure about.
What accelerated it:
- Your pursuit—When you noticed they stopped making plans, you started making all the plans. You planned everything, initiated everything, did everything. This accelerated the disengagement because they didn't have to invest in the future—you were doing it for them.
- No boundaries—When you didn't set boundaries about being the only one making plans, they learned they could disengage from the future without consequences. They could be vague and you'd just plan everything.
- No clarity conversation—When you didn't ask for clarity about future plans, they could continue being vague without having to address it. They could avoid the difficult conversation about commitment.
What helps:
- Notice the pattern early—When they stop making plans, notice it. Don't immediately start making all the plans yourself.
- Have a clarity conversation—"I'm noticing you seem less interested in making plans. Is something going on? Are you pulling back from the future?"
- Set boundaries—"I can't be in a relationship where I'm the only one making plans. If you're not invested in the future, I need to know."
- Stop compensating—Don't make all the plans when they pull back. Let them show their investment level, and respond accordingly.
The goal isn't to make them plan—it's to recognize when they've stopped and respond with clarity and boundaries.
Scenario 3 — "They stopped sharing"
What happened:
They used to share their day, their thoughts, their feelings. They used to tell you about work, friends, struggles, joys. Then, gradually, they stopped. They stopped sharing, stopped telling you things, stopped letting you in. When you asked about their day, they'd give short answers. When you asked how they were, they'd say "fine" and change the subject.
How disengagement formed:
Disengagement often shows up in sharing because sharing requires vulnerability and investment. When someone is quietly quitting, they stop sharing because they're not invested in connection. They become guarded, private, and distant because they don't want to be vulnerable with someone they're pulling away from.
What accelerated it:
- Your pursuit—When you noticed they stopped sharing, you started asking more questions, trying harder to connect, pushing for more. This accelerated the disengagement because they felt pressured instead of invited.
- No boundaries—When you didn't set boundaries about one-sided sharing, they learned they could disengage from connection without consequences. They could be guarded and you'd just try harder to connect.
- No clarity conversation—When you didn't ask for clarity about the distance, they could continue being guarded without having to address it. They could avoid the difficult conversation about connection.
What helps:
- Notice the pattern early—When they stop sharing, notice it. Don't immediately start asking more questions or trying harder to connect.
- Have a clarity conversation—"I'm noticing you seem less open. Is something going on? Are you pulling back from connection?"
- Set boundaries—"I can't be in a relationship where I'm the only one sharing. If you're not invested in connection, I need to know."
- Stop compensating—Don't try harder to connect when they pull back. Let them show their investment level, and respond accordingly.
The goal isn't to make them share—it's to recognize when they've stopped and respond with clarity and boundaries.
Scenario 4 — "They stopped repairing"
What happened:
They used to repair after conflicts. They used to reconnect, address what happened, work through things together. Then, gradually, they stopped. When conflicts happened, they didn't repair. They didn't reconnect. They just moved on without addressing what happened, leaving you alone with unresolved feelings.
How disengagement formed:
Disengagement often shows up in repair because repair requires investment and capacity. When someone is quietly quitting, they stop repairing because they're not invested in the relationship. They don't want to put in the work to repair because they're pulling away anyway.
What accelerated it:
- Your pursuit—When you noticed they stopped repairing, you started doing all the repair work. You initiated repair, did the work, tried to reconnect. This accelerated the disengagement because they didn't have to invest in repair—you were doing it for them.
- No boundaries—When you didn't set boundaries about one-sided repair, they learned they could disengage from repair without consequences. They could avoid repair and you'd just do it yourself.
- No clarity conversation—When you didn't ask for clarity about the lack of repair, they could continue avoiding repair without having to address it. They could avoid the difficult conversation about investment.
What helps:
- Notice the pattern early—When they stop repairing, notice it. Don't immediately start doing all the repair work yourself.
- Have a clarity conversation—"I'm noticing we're not repairing after conflicts. Is something going on? Are you pulling back from the relationship?"
- Set boundaries—"I can't be in a relationship where I'm the only one repairing. If you're not invested in repair, I need to know."
- Stop compensating—Don't do all the repair work when they pull back. Let them show their investment level, and respond accordingly.
The goal isn't to make them repair—it's to recognize when they've stopped and respond with clarity and boundaries.
Scenario 5 — "They stopped showing up"
What happened:
They used to show up for your events, your friends, your life. They used to be present, engaged, interested. Then, gradually, they stopped. They stopped showing up, stopped being present, stopped engaging with your life. When you invited them to things, they'd decline or avoid. When you needed support, they'd be unavailable.
How disengagement formed:
Disengagement often shows up in showing up because showing up requires investment. When someone is quietly quitting, they stop showing up because they're not invested in your life or the relationship. They become unavailable, distant, and disengaged because they don't want to invest in something they're pulling away from.
What accelerated it:
- Your pursuit—When you noticed they stopped showing up, you started trying harder to include them, invite them, make them feel welcome. This accelerated the disengagement because they felt pressured instead of invited.
- No boundaries—When you didn't set boundaries about one-sided investment, they learned they could disengage from your life without consequences. They could be unavailable and you'd just try harder to include them.
- No clarity conversation—When you didn't ask for clarity about the distance, they could continue being unavailable without having to address it. They could avoid the difficult conversation about investment.
What helps:
- Notice the pattern early—When they stop showing up, notice it. Don't immediately start trying harder to include them.
- Have a clarity conversation—"I'm noticing you seem less present. Is something going on? Are you pulling back from the relationship?"
- Set boundaries—"I can't be in a relationship where I'm the only one showing up. If you're not invested, I need to know."
- Stop compensating—Don't try harder to include them when they pull back. Let them show their investment level, and respond accordingly.
The goal isn't to make them show up—it's to recognize when they've stopped and respond with clarity and boundaries.
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