Chapter 10: Emotional Safety: The Foundation
Rate each element from 1-5 (1 = rarely present, 5 = consistently present):
Total score:
This isn't about judgment—it's about clarity. Low scores don't mean failure; they mean structural work is needed.
Identify which patterns have shown up in your relationship(s):
Criticism → Character attacks
Example: "You forgot to call" becomes "You're selfish and don't care."
Defensiveness → Blocked repair
Example: Every attempt to raise an issue is met with "But I..." or "You always..."
Contempt → Disrespect
Example: Eye-rolling, mockery, sarcasm, dismissiveness when they share something.
Withdrawal → Stonewalling
Example: Shutting down, going silent, or leaving during conflict without repair.
Inconsistency → Unpredictability
Example: Warm and present one day, cold and distant the next with no clear pattern.
Punishment after vulnerability
Example: Sharing something tender is later used against you or met with judgment.
Unrepaired ruptures accumulate
Example: Small hurts stack up because they're never acknowledged or addressed.
Now answer:
Practice reframing defensive responses into repair responses.
Scenario 1: Your partner says, "You hurt my feelings when you dismissed my concern earlier."
Defensive response: "I didn't dismiss you—you're being too sensitive."
Repair response: "I hear you. I'm sorry that felt dismissive. Tell me what you needed from me."
Scenario 2: Your partner says, "You said you'd call and you didn't. I felt forgotten."
Defensive response: "I got busy—you know how my day was. You're overreacting."
Repair response: "You're right, I didn't follow through. I can see why that would hurt. I'll do better."
Scenario 3: Your partner says, "I need more emotional support from you."
Defensive response: "I'm doing the best I can. Nothing I do is ever enough."
Repair response: "I want to understand what that looks like for you. Can you give me an example?"
Now your turn:
Think of a recent conflict where you responded defensively. Write:
The goal isn't perfection—it's recognizing the difference between defending yourself and repairing connection.
When you've hurt someone, intention matters to you—but impact matters to them. Practice this repair script:
"I hear that I hurt you. That wasn't my intention, but I understand my intention doesn't change the impact. I'm sorry. What do you need from me right now?"
This script:
Practice saying it out loud until it feels natural, not performative.
Reframe how you interpret boundaries:
Old interpretation: "They're setting a boundary because they don't care / they're rejecting me / they're being controlling."
New interpretation: "They're setting a boundary to protect connection, not destroy it. Respecting this boundary builds safety."
Now reflect:
If you struggle with boundaries:
Safety starts with your ability to regulate yourself under stress.
Rate yourself on these regulation skills (1-5):
If most scores are below 3:
Safety work starts with self-regulation. You cannot co-create safety if you're chronically dysregulated.
Practice:
Next time you feel activated in a relationship:
Create two columns:
Column 1: How I've eroded safety
Be honest about your patterns—criticism, defensiveness, withdrawal, inconsistency, punishment after vulnerability, etc.
Column 2: What repair would look like
For each pattern, name what accountability and repair would require from you.
Example:
This isn't about self-attack—it's about taking responsibility for your contribution to the safety (or lack of it) in your relationships.