One-Page Summary

What's true

• Many relationships don't fail because love disappears—they fail because growth is required and the skills or capacity aren't present
• Every relationship reaches growth thresholds—moments when new skills are needed—and these are natural, not failures
• The problem isn't that growth is required—it's that many people don't have the skills, tolerance, or support to meet that demand
• This is not about blame or character flaws—it's about a skills gap that can be addressed with learning and support
• Divorce is not a moral failure—sometimes it's the healthiest choice, but understanding growth thresholds helps you make that decision from clarity

Signals you've hit a growth threshold

• The same argument happening again and again—You keep having the same conflict without resolution
• One person asking for change while the other feels criticized—Requests for growth are interpreted as attacks
• Conflict that doesn't resolve, it just cycles—Arguments don't lead to understanding or repair
• Emotional distance that grows instead of closeness—The gap between you widens over time
• One person trying harder while the other withdraws—Effort becomes one-sided, creating resentment
• Therapy or growth work is resisted or avoided—When growth is suggested, there's defensiveness or refusal
• "I shouldn't have to change" becomes a common response—Growth is framed as changing identity rather than developing skills
• Leaving starts to feel easier than staying—The thought of leaving becomes more appealing than doing the work

Common traps (relief avenues)

• Framing difficulty as incompatibility—Interpreting growth thresholds as "we're not meant to be" instead of "we need new skills"
• Using "I deserve to be happy" to avoid work—Leaving instead of learning the skills the relationship needs
• Framing growth as "changing who I am"—Resisting skill development because it feels like identity change
• One-sided effort creating resentment—One person trying while the other withdraws, leading to isolation and blame
• Leaving instead of learning repair—Ending relationships when repair is needed instead of developing repair skills
• Avoiding therapy or support—Resisting help because it feels like admitting failure rather than skill development
• Blaming instead of taking accountability—Focusing on what the other person should do instead of developing your own skills
• Expecting love to be enough—Believing that love alone can solve problems that require skills and capacity

What helps (growth avenues)

• Recognize growth thresholds—Name them when you see them: "We've hit a growth threshold. We need new skills."
• Frame growth as skill development—Understand that you're learning new skills, not changing who you are
• Seek support—Therapy, books, courses, or friends who can help you learn relational skills
• Develop specific skills—Discomfort tolerance, accountability, repair capacity, emotional regulation, boundary setting
• Practice one skill at a time—Don't try to learn everything at once. Pick one skill and practice it
• Tolerate discomfort—Stay present when it's hard, without leaving or numbing
• Take accountability—Practice taking responsibility for your part without blaming yourself or others
• Practice repair—After conflict, practice acknowledging impact and reconnecting

One sentence to remember

Many relationships end not because love disappears, but because growth is required and the skills or capacity aren't present—this is a learnable gap, not a character flaw, and understanding growth thresholds helps you navigate them with skills and support instead of ending the relationship.

Where to go next

• Relief vs Growth
• Emotional Safety: The Foundation
• From Relief to Growth: Building Durable Love