Scenarios & Examples
Scenario 1 — You're saying "I love you" within weeks
What's happening:
You're saying "I love you" or making major commitments within weeks or months, before you've seen each other under stress, in conflict, or in everyday life. The intensity feels like connection, but it's actually attachment to potential, not reality.
The pace feels natural because it's intense and exciting, but it's moving faster than your capacity to build real connection and safety.
What helps:
- Slow down intentionally: Choose to move slower than the culture suggests. Take time between dates. Don't rush to define the relationship
- Have difficult conversations early: Don't wait until you're deeply attached. Have hard conversations now
- Watch for red flags: When things move fast, it's easier to ignore warning signs. Make a commitment to notice and address concerns
- Build real connection: Focus on quality time, shared experiences, and demonstrated reliability rather than constant communication and intensity
- Respect your capacity: Your capacity to attach has limits. Respect those limits, even when the culture pushes you to move faster
The goal isn't to never feel intense feelings—it's to build them at a pace that allows for depth and safety.
Scenario 2 — You're texting all day, every day
What it's trying to regulate:
You're texting all day, every day, which creates a sense of connection that feels real but may not reflect actual compatibility or emotional safety. The constant communication feels like intimacy, but it's not the same as real connection.
The constant communication is trying to create closeness quickly, but it's bypassing the time and space needed for genuine attachment to form.
A replacement behavior:
- Set communication boundaries: You don't need to respond immediately. Set times when you're available
- Prioritize consistency over intensity: Daily check-ins are less important than showing up reliably over time
- Create space for processing: Build in time alone, time with friends, time to think
- Focus on quality over quantity: A few meaningful conversations are better than constant texting
- Build real connection: Focus on in-person time, shared experiences, and demonstrated reliability
The replacement behavior isn't about avoiding communication—it's about creating space for real connection to develop.
Scenario 3 — You're avoiding difficult conversations
Explain pattern:
You're avoiding difficult conversations about values, boundaries, and long-term goals because everything feels good and fast. You think you'll have them later, but by then you're deeply attached, which makes them harder.
Avoiding difficult conversations feels easier in the moment, but it prevents you from building real compatibility and safety. You're attached to potential, not reality.
Stabilize plan:
- Make a list of difficult conversations: What do you need to discuss? Values? Boundaries? Goals? Deal-breakers?
- Have them early: Don't wait until you're deeply attached. Have hard conversations now, when they're easier
- Practice saying them: Write out what you want to say. Practice saying it out loud
- Set a timeline: Give yourself a deadline to have these conversations
- Get support: Talk to a friend or therapist who can help you prepare and practice
- Accept discomfort: Difficult conversations are uncomfortable, but they're necessary for real connection
The stabilize plan isn't about eliminating discomfort—it's about having difficult conversations early, when they're easier.
Scenario 4 — You're ignoring red flags because it feels good
Relief vs growth framing:
You're noticing red flags, but ignoring them because everything feels good and intense. You think the intensity means it's right, so you ignore warning signs.
This is relief-seeking—you're choosing to feel good now over seeing reality clearly. But ignoring red flags doesn't make them go away. They'll show up later, often worse.
Growth approach:
- Make a red flag inventory: Write down all the red flags you've noticed, even if it feels uncomfortable
- Address them: Don't ignore them. Bring them up. Have the conversation
- Set boundaries: What do you need to feel safe? What boundaries do you need?
- Get support: Talk to a friend or therapist who can help you see red flags clearly
- Notice the difference: When you can address red flags instead of ignoring them, you're more likely to build real connection
Growth means seeing reality clearly, even when it's uncomfortable. Relief means ignoring red flags to feel good now.
Scenario 5 — You feel pressure to keep up with their pace
When it helps:
Feeling pressure can help when:
- It motivates you to communicate your needs
- It helps you set boundaries
- It encourages you to have difficult conversations
- It pushes you to address red flags
In these cases, the pressure can be useful.
When it harms:
Feeling pressure can harm when:
- It makes you move faster than your capacity
- It prevents you from setting boundaries
- It makes you ignore red flags
- It pushes you to commit before you're ready
In these cases, the pressure keeps you stuck in unhealthy patterns.
What to do instead:
- Set your own pace: You don't need to match their pace. You can set your own boundaries
- Communicate your needs: "I'm enjoying getting to know you, but I need to move at a pace that feels comfortable for me."
- Practice saying no: You can say no to moving faster than you're comfortable with
- Respect your capacity: Your capacity to attach has limits. Respect those limits
- Get support: Have people who can help you set boundaries and respect your pace
If they can't respect your pace, that's information about compatibility. If they can, you can build real connection at a pace that works for both of you.
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