TruAlign

Exercises

Chapter 5: Why We Repeat the Same Relationship

Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — Map your relationship history (10 minutes)

Look at your relationship history and identify patterns:

  1. List your past relationships—Write down the key relationships in your life
  2. Identify what repeated—What dynamics, conflicts, or outcomes showed up again and again?
  3. Notice the pattern—What is the pattern? What keeps repeating?
  4. Name it—Give the pattern a name so you can recognize it

Mapping your history helps you see the pattern clearly so you can recognize it when it shows up again.

Exercise 2 — The familiarity check (2 minutes)

When you feel attracted to someone or a relationship feels "right," pause and check:

  1. What feels familiar?—What about this person or relationship feels familiar?
  2. Is familiar good?—Is this familiarity healthy, or is it the pattern?
  3. What am I attracted to?—What qualities am I attracted to? What patterns do they reveal?
  4. Is this the pattern?—Does this feel like the pattern I've been repeating?

The familiarity check helps you recognize when you're being drawn to the pattern instead of something healthy.

Exercise 3 — Interrupt the pattern (5 minutes)

When you notice the pattern showing up, practice interrupting it:

  1. Name the pattern—"This is the pattern. I recognize it."
  2. Pause—Don't react automatically. Give yourself space to choose
  3. Choose differently—What would a different choice look like?
  4. Make the different choice—Even if it feels uncomfortable, choose differently

Interrupting the pattern helps you break the cycle by making different choices when the pattern shows up.

Exercise 4 — The underlying issues inventory (10 minutes)

Patterns form for reasons. Identify the underlying issues:

  1. What created this pattern?—Where did this pattern come from? What experiences formed it?
  2. What need does it meet?—What need does this pattern meet? What does it provide?
  3. What would it look like to meet that need differently?—How can you meet that need in a healthier way?
  4. What healing is needed?—What underlying wounds or issues need healing?

Understanding the underlying issues helps you address the root causes, not just the symptoms.

Exercise 5 — The support system

Build a support system to help you see the pattern:

  1. Identify who can help—Who can help you see the pattern when you're in it?
  2. Ask for help—"Can you help me see if this is the pattern?"
  3. Create accountability—Have someone who can call out the pattern when they see it
  4. Get professional support—Consider therapy to work on the underlying issues

The support system helps you see the pattern when you're in it, so you can choose differently.

Optional: communication boundary scripts

If you're in a relationship and notice the pattern, have these scripts ready:

  • "I'm noticing a pattern in how we're relating. Can we talk about it?"
  • "I want to make different choices in how we handle this. Can we try something different?"
  • "I'm working on breaking some patterns. I'd like your support in that."

Practice saying these out loud. Use them to interrupt the pattern and create different dynamics.

Related reading