Scenarios & Examples
Scenario 1 — You keep choosing the same type of person
What's happening:
You keep choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable, or who need "fixing," or who are controlling. You think you're choosing different people, but you're actually choosing the same pattern.
The pattern feels familiar, so it feels like "chemistry" or "connection." But it's actually the pattern you're attracted to, not healthy compatibility.
What helps:
- Map your relationship history: Look at your past relationships. What type of person do you keep choosing?
- Notice what feels familiar: When you feel attracted to someone, ask: "Is this familiar? Is familiar good, or is this the pattern?"
- Question your attraction: What are you attracted to? What patterns does your attraction reveal?
- Choose differently: When you feel the familiar pull, pause and choose differently
- Get support: Ask trusted people what patterns they see in your relationships
The goal isn't to never feel attraction—it's to recognize when attraction points to the pattern and choose differently.
Scenario 2 — You keep having the same arguments
What it's trying to regulate:
You keep having the same arguments with different people—about communication, boundaries, needs, or values. You think it's about the person, but it's actually about the pattern.
The pattern creates the same conflicts because it's the same dynamic. Changing the person won't change the pattern.
A replacement behavior:
- See the pattern: Recognize that it's not about the person—it's about the pattern you're both creating
- Interrupt the pattern: When the same argument starts, pause and choose differently
- Work on underlying issues: What creates this pattern? What needs healing?
- Get support: Talk to a therapist or trusted friend who can help you see the pattern and break it
- Practice different responses: Instead of the same reaction, practice a different response
The replacement behavior isn't about avoiding conflict—it's about having different conflicts instead of repeating the same ones.
Scenario 3 — You keep ending up in the same role
Explain pattern:
You keep ending up in the same role—always the one chasing, or always the one withdrawing, or always the one giving more. You think it's about the person, but it's actually about the pattern.
The pattern creates the same dynamic because it's what you know. Even with different people, you end up in the same role.
Stabilize plan:
- Notice the role: What role do you keep ending up in? What patterns does it reveal?
- Question the role: Is this role healthy? Is it serving you? Is it the pattern?
- Practice different roles: What would it look like to be in a different role? Practice it
- Work on underlying issues: What creates this role? What needs healing?
- Get support: Have someone who can help you see when you're falling into the same role
- Choose differently: When you notice yourself in the same role, choose differently
The stabilize plan isn't about eliminating roles—it's about having different roles instead of repeating the same one.
Scenario 4 — You ignore red flags because they feel familiar
Relief vs growth framing:
You notice red flags, but they feel familiar, so you ignore them. You think "this is just how relationships are," but it's actually the pattern.
This is relief-seeking—you're choosing familiarity over health because familiarity feels safer, even when it's harmful.
Growth approach:
- Notice red flags: Pay attention to warning signs, even when they feel familiar
- Question familiarity: Is familiar good, or is this the pattern? Familiar isn't always good
- Get support: Ask trusted people what they see. Sometimes others can see red flags more clearly
- Choose differently: When you notice red flags, choose differently, even if it feels uncomfortable
- Work on underlying issues: What makes you ignore red flags? What needs healing?
Growth means choosing health over familiarity. Relief means choosing familiarity even when it's harmful.
Scenario 5 — You think this time will be different
When it helps:
Believing this time will be different can help when:
- You've seen and interrupted the pattern
- You're making different choices
- You're working on underlying issues
- You have support to help you see the pattern
In these cases, this time can actually be different.
When it harms:
Believing this time will be different can harm when:
- You haven't seen the pattern
- You're making the same choices
- You're not working on underlying issues
- You're hoping instead of changing
In these cases, this time will likely be the same because you're still in the pattern.
What to do instead:
- See the pattern first: Before believing this time will be different, see the pattern
- Make different choices: If you want this time to be different, make different choices
- Work on underlying issues: Address the root causes, not just the symptoms
- Get support: Have people who can help you see the pattern and choose differently
- Practice patience: Breaking patterns takes time. Be patient with the process
If you've done the work to see and interrupt the pattern, then this time can be different. But if you're just hoping, it likely won't be.
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