Scenarios & Examples
Scenario 1 — You want to text them every night
What's happening:
The urge to text them every night is withdrawal seeking regulation. Your nervous system learned to rely on them for connection and co-regulation, especially at the end of the day when you're tired and vulnerable. The evening hours are often when withdrawal feels most intense because that's when you're least regulated and most likely to seek connection.
The urge feels urgent and necessary—like if you don't text them, something terrible will happen. But this urgency is withdrawal, not reality. Your brain is trying to solve the "problem" of their absence by reaching out.
What helps:
- Use the 24-hour rule: Wait 24 hours before sending. Most urges feel less urgent after a day.
- Write it down instead: Write everything you want to say in a journal or notes app. Express it fully, but don't send it.
- Name what you're seeking: "I want to text them because I'm lonely/need validation/want to feel connected." Acknowledge the need without acting on it.
- Create an evening routine: Replace the texting urge with a consistent routine—reading, journaling, calling a friend, or practicing relaxation.
- Set a boundary: "I won't text them after 8pm" or "I'll wait 24 hours before any contact." Having a clear boundary helps you stick to it.
The goal isn't to never want to text them—it's to choose not to act on the urge when it's driven by withdrawal rather than clarity.
Scenario 2 — You keep checking their social media
What it's trying to regulate:
Checking their social media is trying to regulate the uncertainty and loss of connection. Each check provides a tiny dopamine hit—a moment of connection, even if it's one-sided. Your brain is seeking information to reduce the anxiety of not knowing what they're doing, who they're with, or how they're feeling.
The checking creates a cycle: you check to feel better, but seeing their posts (or not seeing them) makes you feel worse, which increases the urge to check again. It's withdrawal seeking relief through proximity.
A replacement behavior:
- Delete apps temporarily: Remove social media apps from your phone. You can reinstall them later when withdrawal has decreased.
- Use website blockers: Block social media sites during peak craving times (evenings, mornings, lunch breaks).
- Set specific check times: If you must check, set one specific time per day (e.g., 6pm) and stick to it. Gradually reduce frequency.
- Replace with connection: When you feel the urge to check, call a friend, text someone else, or engage in an activity that provides connection without the emotional rollercoaster.
- Track your checks: Write down each time you check. Awareness helps you see the pattern and reduce it.
The replacement behavior isn't about willpower—it's about creating space for withdrawal to decrease without constantly triggering it.
Scenario 3 — You feel okay in the morning, crushed at night
Explain pattern:
This pattern is common in withdrawal. In the morning, your cortisol is naturally higher, which can mask withdrawal symptoms. You've also had sleep (even if it was disrupted), which provides some regulation. As the day goes on, your energy depletes, your defenses lower, and withdrawal symptoms intensify.
Evening is also when you're most likely to be alone, tired, and vulnerable—the perfect conditions for withdrawal to feel overwhelming. Your nervous system is seeking regulation at the time when you're least able to provide it yourself.
Stabilize plan:
- Morning routine: Start your day with regulation—breathing, movement, grounding. Set yourself up for success.
- Evening preparation: Before evening hits, have a plan. What will you do when withdrawal intensifies? Have activities, people, or techniques ready.
- Evening routine: Create a consistent evening routine that supports regulation—reading, journaling, warm bath, relaxation techniques.
- Connection before isolation: If evenings are hardest, schedule a call with a friend or plan an activity that provides connection.
- Sleep hygiene: Improve your sleep to reduce evening vulnerability. No phone in bedroom, consistent bedtime, relaxation before sleep.
- Accept the pattern: Knowing that evenings will be harder helps you prepare instead of being surprised by it.
The stabilize plan isn't about eliminating the pattern—it's about supporting yourself through it so it becomes more manageable over time.
Scenario 4 — You want to date immediately
Relief vs growth framing:
Wanting to date immediately is often relief-seeking, not growth. It's an attempt to:
- Replace the lost source of regulation with a new one
- Avoid feeling the full intensity of withdrawal
- Prove to yourself (or them) that you're "over it"
- Fill the void left by their absence
Dating during withdrawal rarely leads to healthy relationships because you're not choosing from clarity—you're choosing from activation and need. The new person becomes a source of regulation, which creates dependency rather than connection.
Growth approach:
- Wait until withdrawal decreases: Give yourself time to process the loss before seeking new connection. There's no timeline, but if you're still in acute withdrawal, you're not ready.
- Date yourself first: Spend time alone, learn to regulate yourself, build a life that feels complete without a partner. Then dating becomes a choice, not a need.
- Check your motivation: Are you dating because you want connection, or because you want to avoid feeling alone? If it's the latter, wait.
- Notice the difference: When you can date from a place of "I want this" rather than "I need this," you're more likely to choose healthily.
- Set boundaries: If you do date, be honest about where you are. Don't use someone else to process your withdrawal.
Growth means choosing connection from clarity, not from need. Relief means using someone else to avoid feeling withdrawal.
Scenario 5 — You want "closure" conversation
When it helps:
A closure conversation can help when:
- You've both had time to process and regulate
- You're both able to have the conversation without activation or blame
- You're seeking understanding, not trying to change their mind
- You're ready to accept whatever they say without trying to negotiate
- You're not using it as a way to maintain contact or hope
In these cases, a closure conversation can provide clarity and help you both move forward with understanding.
When it harms:
A closure conversation harms when:
- You're still in acute withdrawal (you're not thinking clearly)
- You're hoping it will change their mind or bring them back
- You're using it as an excuse to maintain contact
- You're trying to get them to validate your feelings or see your perspective
- You're not ready to accept their answer if it's not what you want to hear
- You're seeking relief from uncertainty rather than actual closure
In these cases, the conversation usually makes things worse—it resets withdrawal, creates false hope, or confirms what you already know but aren't ready to accept.
What to do instead:
- Give yourself time: Wait until withdrawal has decreased before considering a closure conversation. Most people need weeks or months.
- Process on your own first: Write letters you don't send, talk to a therapist, journal about what you need to understand. Often, you can find closure without them.
- Accept that some questions don't have answers: Not every relationship ends with clear answers. Sometimes closure comes from accepting that.
- Focus on your closure, not theirs: Closure is internal—it's about you making peace with what happened, not about them explaining it to you.
If you still want a closure conversation after time has passed and you've processed on your own, then consider it. But if you're asking because withdrawal makes you feel like you need it right now, wait.
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