Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — The Relationship Autopsy (20 Minutes)

Be a cold-blooded coroner. Look at the dead relationship.

1. Date of Death: (When did it actually end energetically?)
2. Cause of Death: (Not "they cheated." Look deeper. "Lack of intimacy led to disconnection led to cheating.")
3. My Contribution: (What did I do to weaken the immune system of the relationship?)
   • Did I nag?
   • Did I check out?
   • Did I people-please?

Exercise 2 — The "Tuition Bill" (5 Minutes)

You paid a lot. List it.

• Years spent:
• Money lost:
• Emotional damage:

Now list the Wisdom gained:

1. (e.g., I learned I need a partner who doesn't drink.)
2. (e.g., I learned that I get clingy when I'm stressed.)

3. ---

Equation: If Wisdom > Cost, you win. If Cost > Wisdom, you lost. Increase the Wisdom.

Exercise 3 — The Red Flag Retroactive (10 Minutes)

Think back to the first 3 months. List 3 things that bothered you then, that became the reason you broke up later.

Lesson: The end is in the beginning. Learn to trust your Day 1 gut.

Exercise 4 — The "Next Time" Contract

Write a contract to your future self.

"Next time I start feeling [Anxious Pattern], I promise to [New Behavior] instead of [Old Behavior]."

Example: "Next time I feel them pulling away, I promise to self-soothe and give space instead of double-texting."

Exercise 5 — The Forgiveness Letter (To Yourself)

We often blame ourselves for not knowing better. Write: "I forgive myself for [mistake]. I didn't have the skills then. I have them now."

Exercise 6 — The Pattern Break Plan

Pick one pattern and write:

• Trigger
• Old response
• New response
• Support you need

Exercise 7 — The Values Line

List 3 values you want your next relationship to honor. Use them as a filter.

: Research TODO: Add citations on post‑traumatic growth and meaning‑making.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.