TruAlign

Examples

Chapter 25: Healing While Still Hoping

Scenarios & Examples

Scenario 1: Booking a Vacation

The Situation: You want to go to Italy in 6 months.

Response A: Frozen Hope

  • Thought: "But what if we are back together by then? They'd want to come. Or what if we need the money for a wedding?"
  • Action: You don't book it. You wait.
  • Result: 6 months later, you aren't together, and you are sitting at home resentful.

Response B: Active Hope

  • Thought: "I'm going to Italy. If we are back together, they can buy a ticket and come. If not, I'm eating pasta in Rome."
  • Action: You book it.
  • Result: You have an amazing trip regardless. AND... you look adventurous and independent (which is attractive).

Scenario 2: Refurnishing the Apartment

The Situation: You live in the apartment you shared. It's full of ghosts.

Response A: Frozen Hope

  • Action: You leave everything exactly the same. Even their side of the closet is empty but reserved.
  • Meaning: "I am holding space for you."

Response B: Active Hope

  • Action: You paint the walls. You buy a new rug. You move the bed.
  • Meaning: "This is MY space now. If you come back, you are entering MY new home." (This shifts the dynamic from waiting to owning).

Scenario 3: Being Asked on a Date

The Situation: Someone cute asks you for coffee.

Response A: Frozen Hope

  • Action: "No thanks." (Because it feels like cheating).
  • Result: You reinforce your isolation.

Response B: Active Hope

  • Action: "Sure."
  • Mindset: "It's just coffee. I'm not marrying them. I'm just reminding myself that there are other people in the world who find me attractive."
  • Result: You get a dopamine boost. You realize you have options. This lowers your scarcity panic.

Scenario 4: Friends ask "Are you over them?"

Response A: Denial

  • "Yeah, totally." (Lie).

Response B: Obsession

  • "No, I know they are coming back! Look at this text!" (Panic).

Response C: The Balance

  • "I'm moving forward. I still have hope for us one day, but I'm not waiting on it. I'm focusing on me." (Healthy).

The Pattern

  • Frozen Hope asks permission from the Ghost of the Ex.
  • Active Hope informs the Ghost of the Ex what you are doing.

Scenario 5: Accepting a Promotion

Situation: A job opportunity would move you to a new city.

Frozen Hope: “I can’t leave if they might come back.”
Active Hope: “If they want me, they can meet me in the life I’m building.”

: Research TODO: Add citations on post‑breakup growth and agency.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.

Research & Clinical Sources

Key Sources

  • Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.5
  • Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1037/11435-000
  • Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
  • Ten Brinke, L., et al. (2016). Moral psychology of dishonesty. Psychological Science, 27(1), 2–14.
  • Christensen, A., et al. (2010). Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy. JCCP, 78(2), 193–204.