Why Most Reunions Fail - Exercises

Exercise 1 — The Resentment Inventory (15 Minutes)

Resentment is the poison in the well. You must pump it out.

Instructions: List everything you are secretly still mad about from the breakup or the past.

I resent them for sleeping with someone else.
I resent them for abandoning me when I was sick.
I resent them for telling their mom about our fight.

The Process: Look at this list. Can you genuinely forgive these?

If Yes: You must commit to never using them as ammo in a future fight.
If No: You cannot reconcile yet. You need more time or a different conversation.

Exercise 2 — The "Same Script" Detection (10 Minutes)

Identify the specific loops that trap you.

Trigger: They withdraw/get quiet.
My Old Reaction: I chase/ask "what's wrong?" repeatedly.
Their Old Reaction: They get annoyed and pull away further.
The Result: Explosion.

Write your "New Reaction" Script:

Trigger: They withdraw.
My New Reaction: I notice it. I say nothing. I go do my own hobby. I give them space to come back.

Exercise 3 — The Brake Pedal (Decision Tool)

If you are rushing, you are crashing. Use this tool to slow down.

Identify 3 areas where you are moving too fast:

(e.g., Spending every night together)
(e.g., Talking about marriage)
(e.g., Sharing finances)

Action: How can you tap the brakes on these today?

Action 1: "Hey, let's do 3 nights a week instead of 7 for a while. I need time for my friends."
Action 2: "Let's table the marriage talk for 6 months until we are stable."

Exercise 4 — The Environment Audit (10 Minutes)

Check if the environment supports the change.

Question: What environmental triggers caused the breakup?

Did you have roommates?
Did you work too much?
Was alcohol involved?

Question: Are those triggers still there?

If yes: What is the plan to change them?
(If there is no plan, the reunion will likely fail).

Exercise 5 — The "Walk Away" Visualization (5 Minutes)

You must practice the strength to leave if it fails.

Imagine the relationship is failing again. The same patterns are back.
Imagine yourself saying, "I love you, but this isn't working. I am walking away."
Imagine yourself packing your bag.
Imagine yourself surviving it.

Why? If you cannot imagine leaving, you are a prisoner. If you can imagine leaving, you are a volunteer. Only volunteers can love freely.

Exercise 6 — The “Resentment Repair” Script

Write one sentence for each:

“What I resented was ___.”
“What I need now is ___.”
“If this doesn’t change, I will ___.”

Exercise 7 — The “Slow Pace” Agreement

Draft a simple agreement:

How often you see each other
When intimacy returns
When hard topics get addressed

: Research TODO: Add citations for structured reconciliation pacing and resentment processing.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.

Research & Clinical Sources

Key Sources

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.5
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1037/11435-000
Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
Ten Brinke, L., et al. (2016). Moral psychology of dishonesty. Psychological Science, 27(1), 2–14.
Christensen, A., et al. (2010). Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy. JCCP, 78(2), 193–204.

Exercises

Reflection & Exercises