TruAlign

Examples

Chapter 22: Why Most Reunions Fail

Scenarios & Examples

Scenario 1: The "Honeymoon" Trap

Situation: You get back together. The first week is amazing. Great sex, deep talks. Then, on day 10, they make a familiar sarcastic comment.

Failed Response (The Zombie):

  • You think: "Ouch. That hurt. But I don't want to ruin the vibe. We are doing so well."
  • You say: Nothing. You laugh it off nervously.
  • Outcome: You just taught them that they can still disrespect you. The pattern is re-installed.

Successful Response (The Autopsy):

  • You think: "There it is. The sarcasm. That was a killer in round 1."
  • You say: "Hey—pause. that comment felt sarcastic. That was a big issue for us before. Can you rephrase that?"
  • Outcome: It kills the "vibe" momentarily, but it builds the structure. You signal that the new rules are active.

Scenario 2: The Uneven Workload

Situation: You have been reading books on attachment theory. They have done nothing. You try to explain their attachment style to them.

Failed Response:

  • You: "See, you are an Avoidant Deactivating! You need to do this exercise!"
  • Them: "Stop psychoanalyzing me! You're annoying."
  • Outcome: You become the parent/therapist. They become the rebellious child. Resentment builds.

Successful Response:

  • You: "I'm learning a lot about myself. I'm realizing I need a partner who is also interested in growth. Are you open to reading this chapter, or is that not your thing?"
  • Them: "Not really my thing."
  • You: (Internal decision). "Okay. I have to decide if I can accept them as is." You stop trying to change them and either accept or leave.

Scenario 3: The "Taboo" Topic

Situation: You broke up because they were texting an ex. You get back together, but you are terrified to check their phone.

Failed Response:

  • You: You snoop secretly. Or you say nothing and suffer anxiety.
  • Outcome: Trust is zero. Paranoia is 100.

Successful Response:

  • You: "I want to trust you. But given our history, I'm feeling anxious about the ex thing. What is a boundary we can agree on that makes me feel safe but gives you privacy?"
  • Them: "I can show you my phone when you ask." OR "I'm not doing that."
  • Outcome: You get clarity. Either you build a mechanism for trust, or you realize trust is impossible (and you leave).

Scenario 4: The "For the Kids/Dog/Lease" Reunion

Situation: You get back together largely because it is convenient (shared lease, pet, friend group).

Failed Response:

  • Dynamic: You act like a couple but live like roommates. You tolerate mediocrity because moving out is hard.
  • Outcome: Slow death of the soul. You waste 2 years being "comfortable" but unloved.

Successful Response:

  • Dynamic: You acknowledge the logistical tie but separate the relationship. "We are roommates for now. We are dating to see if we work. If we don't work in 3 months, one of us moves out."
  • Outcome: You remove the "convenience" crutch and force the relationship to stand on its own merit.

The Pattern

Failed reunions prioritize Comfort (avoiding conflict, keeping the peace). Successful reunions prioritize Truth (addressing the rot, even if it hurts). You cannot have both comfort and change. You have to pick one.

Scenario 5: The “We Don’t Need Therapy” Argument

Situation: You suggest couples therapy. They say it’s “too much.”

Failed Response:

  • You drop it to avoid conflict.
  • Outcome: You remove the only structure that could help.

Successful Response:

  • You say: “If we can’t get support for what broke us, we aren’t rebuilding; we’re repeating.”
  • Outcome: You learn whether they are truly committed to change.

: Research TODO: Add citations on repair attempts and relationship outcomes after reunions.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.

Research & Clinical Sources

Key Sources

  • Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.5
  • Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1037/11435-000
  • Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
  • Ten Brinke, L., et al. (2016). Moral psychology of dishonesty. Psychological Science, 27(1), 2–14.
  • Christensen, A., et al. (2010). Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy. JCCP, 78(2), 193–204.