You need to see exactly where you are leaking power. Be brutally honest. No one sees this but you.
Instructions:
Review the last 2 weeks of interactions (texts, calls, social media monitoring, thoughts).
Mark "Yes" if you have done this:
Texted them "double" (sent a second text when they didn't reply to the first).
Apologized for something you didn't do just to smooth things over.
Said "it's okay" when they cancelled or treated you poorly, when it wasn't okay.
stalked their location, Venmo, or Spotify activity.
Posted a "thirst trap" or success story specifically for them to see.
Asked a mutual friend to "mention" you to them.
Dropped plans with your friends because they might be free.
Replayed a conversation in your head more than 5 times trying to find "clues."
Scoring:
0 Yes: incredible. You are holding frame.
1-3 Yes: Normal post-breakup struggle. Tighten up.
4+ Yes: You are actively chasing. You are in a "one-down" position. Attraction cannot grow here.
Action Step: Pick the ONE behavior that is most frequent (e.g., checking social media) and set a hard boundary for 7 days. "I will not check their Instagram for 7 days." Use an app blocker if needed.
Exercise 2 — The "Subject vs. Object" Shift (10 Minutes)
Rebuilding attraction requires moving from being the object (wanting to be picked) to the subject (doing the picking).
List 3 things you are currently doing "for them" (to look good, to get them back):
Now, reframe or replace them with things you do purely for YOU.
Example:
Old: "Going to the gym so I look hot when I run into them."
New: "Going to the gym because I need to burn off this anxiety and I like feeling strong."
Example:
Old: "Posting stories of me having fun so they see I'm happy."
New: "Having so much fun that I forget to take my phone out."
Exercise 3 — Scripting the "High Value" Response (5 Minutes)
Prepare for the "breadcrumbs." If they reach out with low effort, you need to be ready so you don't panic-respond.
Scenario A: The Late Night Text ("U up?" or "Miss you")
Low Dignity Response: "Yeah/Omg hey/I miss you too" (Immediate reply)
High Dignity Response: (No reply until morning) OR "I'm sleeping. What's up?" (Direct, unbothered).
Your Plan: _________________________________________________
Scenario B: The Boring Check-in ("How are things?")
Low Dignity Response: (Paragraph of updates, asking about their life, trying to keep convo going)
High Dignity Response: "Things are good. Just [doing something brief]. You?"
Your Plan: _________________________________________________
Scenario C: The Last Minute Invite ("Wanna come over?")
Low Dignity Response: "Yes! I'll be there in 20."
High Dignity Response: "Can't tonight, I have plans. Let me know if you want to grab coffee later in the week."
Your Plan: _________________________________________________
The Rule: Match their investment. Do not give "paragraph energy" to "sentence energy."
Exercise 4 — The "Vacuum" Visualization (5 Minutes)
Attraction needs space. Use this whenever you feel the urge to reach out.
Close your eyes.
Imagine your energy is a physical substance (like water or light).
Right now, imagine all that energy is pouring out of you, flowing towards them, flooding their house. It's overwhelming. They have to put up sandbags to keep it out.
Now, imagine relying that energy back. Pull it back across the city, back through the streets, back into your own body.
Feel yourself filling up. You are becoming dense, bright, and solid.
Imagine the space around them becoming empty. A vacuum.
Nature abhors a vacuum. By pulling your energy back, you create the space that might pull them in. But more importantly, you are full again.
Exercise 5 — Reality Testing (Ongoing)
When you feel the urge to chase, ask:
"If I get them back by begging, what kind of relationship will I have?"
Write down the answer:
Hint: A relationship where you are constantly walking on eggshells, afraid they will leave again. Is that what you want?
