Regret, Memory Bias, and Returning - Exercises

Exercise 1 — Regret type assessment (10 minutes)

If they've expressed regret or returned, identify which type:

Type 1: Missing you specifically

Can they name specific qualities about you and the relationship?
Or is it vague: "I made a mistake," "I miss you"?

Type 2: Missing having someone

Are they lonely, struggling, or in crisis right now?
Would anyone fill this void, or only you?

Type 3: Regret about how it ended

Do they want closure, or reconciliation?
Are they seeking forgiveness, or a second chance?

Type 4: Nostalgia (memory editing)

Can they remember why it ended, or just the good times?
Have structural issues been forgotten?

Type 5: Current situation isn't working

Is their return driven by something failing elsewhere?
Are they comparing, or genuinely ready?

Type 6: Seeking validation

Do they want to know you still care?
Or do they actually want to try again?

Type 7: Genuine recognition + capacity

Have they done structural work?
Can they name what broke and what's changed?

Only Type 7 indicates potential for healthy reconciliation. Others are emotional responses without capacity.

Exercise 2 — Memory accuracy check (8 minutes)

If they're returning with regret, assess memory accuracy:

Questions to ask (or observe):

Can they name what structurally broke the relationship?
- Specific patterns, not just "we fought" or "I messed up"
Do they remember why they left?
- Or has memory edited out their original reasons?
Can they acknowledge both good and bad?
- Or only romanticizing the positive?
Have they forgotten the pain/conflict?
- "It wasn't that bad" = memory editing
Can they see their contribution without deflecting?
- Genuine accountability, or vague apologies?

If memory has been significantly edited: Nostalgia isn't the same as readiness. They're responding to an idealized version that didn't exist.

Exercise 3 — Readiness vs desperation test (10 minutes)

Assess whether return is from groundedness or activation:

Readiness indicators:

They've done months of work (therapy, practice, capacity-building)
They're not in crisis—they're regulated and clear
They can articulate what needs to be different specifically
They have support structures in place
They understand reconciliation is work, not just desire
They're not rushing; they're patient and grounded

Desperation indicators:

They're in crisis (loneliness, new relationship failed, struggling)
They're activated—urgent, pressuring, panicked
They can't name specifics—just "I need you" or "I made a mistake"
No support structures or evidence of work
They want immediate reconciliation to end discomfort
They're rushing; they need relief now

The distinction: Readiness is grounded. Desperation is activated. Desperation creates temporary reunions that fail quickly.

Exercise 4 — Structural change evidence tracker (ongoing)

If they've returned, track evidence over 30-90 days:

Claim	Behavioral evidence	Consistent?	Under stress?
"I've changed"	What specific behaviors demonstrate this?	Yes / No	Yes / No
"I understand now"	Can they articulate patterns without prompting?	Yes / No	Yes / No
"I've worked on myself"	What support structures are in place?	Yes / No	Yes / No
"It'll be different"	What's specifically different?	Yes / No	Yes / No

The standard: If claims don't have behavioral evidence that persists under stress, it's not real change—it's promises.

Exercise 5 — The "would I advise a friend?" test (7 minutes)

Imagine your friend tells you their ex has returned:

They describe:

How long they've been apart
What the ex is saying now
What evidence of change exists
Why they left originally
What's structurally different

What would you tell your friend?

Most people give better advice to friends than they take themselves. Apply your objectivity.

Exercise 6 — Your own readiness assessment (10 minutes)

If they've returned, assess your readiness honestly:

1. Are you accepting them back from:

Loneliness? (If yes, pause. This isn't readiness.)
Relief they're back? (If yes, pause. This isn't sustainable.)
Genuine belief structure has changed? (Evidence required.)
Hope they've changed without evidence? (Fantasy, not readiness.)

2. Have you built your own capacity during separation?

Therapy, regulation skills, boundary practice?
Or were you frozen waiting?

3. Can you hold complexity?

Hope and protection, not just relief?
Try again and be okay if it doesn't work?

4. Would you accept the relationship as-is permanently?

If nothing's different, are you settling?

If you're accepting return from loneliness, relief, or hope without evidence: You're not ready either. Both people need readiness.

Exercise 7 — The "what's different?" specificity test (10 minutes)

If they claim things will be different, demand specificity:

Vague claims (not enough):

"I've changed"
"I understand now"
"It'll be different this time"
"I've learned my lesson"

Specific answers (required):

"I've been in therapy for 8 months working on [specific pattern]"
"I've learned [specific skill] and can demonstrate it under stress"
"I can now [specific behavior] instead of [old pattern]"
"I have [support structure] in place for accountability"

The test: If they can't be specific, it's not real. Vague promises aren't readiness.

Exercise 8 — Timeline reality check (5 minutes)

If they've returned, check if timeline aligns with actual change:

Time apart:

Less than 3 months → Unlikely sufficient for real integration
3-6 months → Possible early change if evidence exists
6-12 months → More realistic timeline for capacity-building
12+ months → Enough time for integration if work was done

Evidence required:

What did they do during that time?
Not just "thought about things"—actual capacity-building work

If timeline is short and no evidence exists: This is desperation or nostalgia, not readiness.

Reflection prompts

Why are they returning: loneliness, crisis, or genuine readiness?
Can they name what broke structurally, or just "I miss you"?
Is memory accurate, or has it been edited?
What evidence of capacity-building exists?
Am I accepting return from loneliness or genuine belief in change?
Would I advise a friend to try again in this situation?
Can they be specific about what's different?
Does timeline align with realistic change?
Can I hold hope and protection?
What would need to be true for this to work?

Exercises

Reflection & Exercises