Do People Ever Get Back Together? - Exercises

Exercise 1 — Hope vs fantasy audit (10 minutes)

For each statement, mark Hope (grounded in evidence) or Fantasy (projection without evidence):

I believe time apart will make them see what they lost → __
Both of us have done work to build new capacity → __
I'm waiting for them to realize they were wrong → __
We've both articulated what needs to be different → __
I believe my growth will inspire their growth → __
There's behavioral evidence of change from both of us → __
I'm analyzing breadcrumbs as signs they're coming back → __
We've had honest conversations about what broke → __
I'm hoping love will be enough without addressing structure → __
Both of us want to try again—not just me pursuing → __

If most are Fantasy: You're holding unearned hope. This will keep you stuck.
If most are Hope: Your hope is grounded. But hope alone doesn't guarantee success.

Exercise 2 — Structural change inventory (15 minutes)

List the structural issues that broke the relationship:

Now, for each issue, answer:

Issue	Has it changed?	From both people?
1.	Yes / No	Yes / No
2.	Yes / No	Yes / No
3.	Yes / No	Yes / No
4.	Yes / No	Yes / No
5.	Yes / No	Yes / No

The reality check: If most answers are "No," reconciliation will just repeat the same patterns. Hope without structural change is fantasy.

Exercise 3 — The "mutual readiness" test (8 minutes)

Answer these questions honestly:

Your readiness:

Have you done your own capacity work (regulation, boundaries, repair skills)?
Can you articulate what you contributed to the breakdown?
Have you built your life forward (not frozen waiting)?
Can you hold: "I hope this works and I'll be okay if it doesn't"?
Would you accept them back if nothing has changed? (If yes, you're not ready either.)

Their readiness:

Have they done their own capacity work? (Evidence, not promises.)
Can they articulate what they contributed to the breakdown?
Have they built their life forward, or are they just lonely/struggling?
Have they initiated repair conversations, or are you pursuing?
Is there behavioral evidence of change over time?

The requirement: Both people need "yes" on most questions. If only one person is ready, reconciliation won't work.

Exercise 4 — "What needs to be different?" specificity test (10 minutes)

Write down what would need to be different for reconciliation to work.

Vague answers (fantasy):

"We'd communicate better"
"We'd try harder"
"It would just be different this time"
"We'd appreciate each other more"

Specific answers (earned hope):

"We'd both need repair skills—able to hear feedback without defensiveness and reconnect after rupture"
"I'd need to regulate my anxiety before pursuing. They'd need to stay present instead of withdrawing."
"We'd need a therapist to navigate our attachment patterns under stress"
"They'd need to demonstrate boundary respect over 6+ months"
"We'd both need to build individual regulation capacity so we don't rely on each other for stability"

The test: If your answers are vague, you're hoping without structure. Specific answers show you understand what's required.

Exercise 5 — The "evidence over promises" tracker (ongoing)

If they're saying they've changed or want to try again, track evidence over time:

What they said	Behavioral evidence	Consistency over time?
"I've been working on myself"	Have they been in therapy? Practicing skills?	Yes / No
"I can handle conflict better now"	In actual conflict, do they stay present?	Yes / No
"I understand what I did wrong"	Can they articulate it without defensiveness?	Yes / No
"I want to try again"	Are they initiating repair, or just saying words?	Yes / No

The standard: Words are easy. Behavior over time is what matters. Track for 3-6 months minimum.

Exercise 6 — The "friend test" (5 minutes)

Imagine your best friend is in this exact situation. They're telling you:

The relationship ended because of [structural issues]
They've been waiting for [time period]
The other person has shown [evidence or lack thereof]
They're hoping [your current hope]

What would you tell them?

Write your advice as if speaking to your friend. Then apply that wisdom to yourself.

Most people give better advice to friends than they follow themselves. Use your objectivity.

Exercise 7 — The "frozen vs building" check (7 minutes)

Over the past 90 days, check which list describes you:

Frozen in waiting:

Life is on hold until they decide
Not dating, not moving forward, not building
Analyzing every interaction for hidden meaning
Performing "doing well" for their attention
Waiting for them to be ready
Can't imagine forward without them

Building forward:

Built routine, friendships, identity separate from them
Working on your own capacity regardless of outcome
Not analyzing breadcrumbs
Living your life, not performing
Ready to try if they're ready, but not frozen waiting
Can imagine forward with or without them

If you're frozen: Hope has become a trap. You're waiting for something that may never come, and you're not living while you wait.

Exercise 8 — "Would I accept this as permanent?" test (10 minutes)

If you got back together tomorrow and nothing had changed structurally, would you accept:

The same conflict patterns? Yes / No
The same repair failures? Yes / No
The same attachment clashes? Yes / No
The same boundary violations? Yes / No
The same capacity gaps? Yes / No

If you answered "yes" to any: You're not ready for healthy reconciliation. You'd be settling, not repairing.

If you answered "no" to most: Good. Now ask: Have those things actually changed? Evidence, not hope.

Reflection prompts

Is my hope grounded in evidence or projection?
Am I frozen in waiting, or building forward?
Can I name specific structural changes required?
Has anything actually changed, or am I just hoping?
Am I analyzing breadcrumbs, or receiving clear communication?
Would I advise a friend to wait in this situation?
Can I hold: "I hope and I'll be okay if not"?
If nothing changes, would I accept that permanently?
Is this mutual readiness, or am I pursuing alone?
After 6+ months, has evidence of change appeared?

Exercises

Reflection & Exercises