Signals & Misreads

Signals You May Be Seeing

When the shock of a breakup or relationship crisis hits, your nervous system is flooded with adrenaline and cortisol. This changes how you perceive reality. You are likely functioning in a state of hyper-arousal, where every detail feels significant and every silence feels like a threat.

Here are the common signals that indicate you are operating from Panic rather than Intuition:

• The Urgency to Act: You feel a physical compulsion to "do something" right now. It feels like if you don't send that text or make that call within the next hour, the opportunity will be lost forever.
• Looping Thoughts: Your mind is stuck on a specific track—replaying the last conversation, analyzing their tone of voice, or drafting mental arguments for why they should reconsider. You cannot focus on work, food, or sleep.
• Physical Agitation: You find yourself pacing, shaking, unable to sit still, or checking your phone every 30 seconds. Your chest feels tight, and your stomach is in knots.
• Bargaining: You are mentally negotiating with the universe or your ex-partner. "If I just apologize for X, they will come back." "If I promise to change Y, we can fix this."
• Catastrophizing: You are projecting the current pain into the infinite future. "I will never feel this way again." "I have ruined my only chance at happiness."
• Hyper-Vigilance: You are monitoring their social media status, their "last seen" time, or their Spotify activity, looking for clues about their emotional state.

Common Misreads

When you are in this state, your interpretation of data is flawed. Your brain is biased toward interpreting everything as either a glimmer of hope or a confirmation of doom.

Misread 1: "The pain is unbearable, so the relationship must have been perfect."

The Reality: The intensity of the pain is not a measure of the relationship's quality; it is a measure of your attachment withdrawal. Heroin withdrawal is agonizing, but that doesn't mean heroin is good for you. What’s Happening Underneath: Your brain is screaming for its chemical regulator (your partner) to return. It is prioritizing relief over truth.

Misread 2: "They are silent, so they must hate me / be moving on."

The Reality: Silence is often a sign of overwhelm, processing, or simply a boundary. It does not necessarily mean they have erased you. They may be hurting just as much but coping through withdrawal rather than pursuit. What’s Happening Underneath: You are projecting your own fear of abandonment onto their silence. You assume the worst-case scenario because your nervous system feels unsafe.

Misread 3: "I just need closure to move on."

The Reality: You often want "closure" as a socially acceptable excuse to make contact. You aren't actually looking for an explanation; you are looking for an opportunity to plead your case or receive validation that you are still loved. What’s Happening Underneath: You are bargaining for a dopamine hit of connection to soothe the withdrawal symptoms.

Misread 4: "If I don't fix this now, it's over forever."

The Reality: Real relationships are rarely destroyed by a few days of silence. In fact, rushing to "fix" things when emotions are high usually causes more damage. Space is often the only thing that can save it. What’s Happening Underneath: This is the "False Urgency" of trauma. Your survival instinct is telling you that separation equals death, so you are fighting for your life.

What Healthier Signals Look Like

As you stabilize (which we will work on in the Exercises), your internal signals will shift. Here is the difference between acting from Trauma and acting from Center:

• From Panic: "I have to know right now."
• From Center: "I can wait to see how this unfolds."
• From Panic: "I will do anything to get them back."
• From Center: "I miss them, but I will not abandon myself to keep them."
• From Panic: "Their silence is an attack."
• From Center: "Their silence is their current capacity. I can handle it."
• From Panic: Manic energy, racing heart, inability to listen.
• From Center: Slower breath, ability to pause, ability to hear hard truths without collapsing.

Moving Forward

If you identify with the "Panic" signals, do not shame yourself. It is a biological response. But also, do not trust these signals. They are false alarms. They are trying to get you to run into a burning building because they miss the warmth of the fire.

Your job right now is not to fix the relationship. Your job is to regulate your nervous system so that you can read the signals accurately.