Chapter 0: Before You Decide Anything
These exercises are not about fixing your relationship. They are about stabilizing yourself and learning to engage with this framework without letting fear distort what you see.
The trap: When something hurts, we immediately label it. "They're avoidant." "I'm too anxious." "This is toxic." Labels feel like understanding — but often, they're just fear wearing a psychology costume.
What to do instead:
Spend 60 seconds observing without interpreting.
Complete this sentence:
"What I actually observed was: [describe the behavior, not the motive]"
Then pause. Don't add "which means" or "because they." Just let the observation exist without immediately turning it into a story.
Why this helps: Observation slows you down. Interpretation speeds you up. Right now, you need to slow down.
The trap: We confuse what feels relieving with what builds understanding. Relief is temporary. Clarity compounds.
What to do instead:
Draw two columns.
Relief (feels good now):
Clarity (builds understanding):
Notice which column you've been prioritizing. That's information, not judgment.
The trap: Seeking agreement instead of understanding. Asking "am I right?" instead of "what am I missing?"
What to do instead:
Notice when you reach for validation:
Then ask:
"Am I seeking agreement, or am I seeking understanding?"
Why this helps: Validation echo chambers feel safe. But they block growth. Real insight often arrives disguised as discomfort.
The trap: Urgency disguised as clarity. "I need to decide NOW." "I need to know TODAY."
What to do instead:
When the urge to decide, act, or message them arrives, pause and ask:
"What would change if I waited 24 hours?"
Usually, nothing. The relationship will not evaporate. The insight will not disappear. The decision will still be available tomorrow.
Why this helps: Urgency is rarely accuracy. Panic creates the illusion that speed equals clarity. It doesn't. Slow decisions tend to be steadier ones.
If 24 hours feels impossible, start with 10 minutes. Just practice the pause.
The trap: Focusing entirely on "will they come back?" or "should I stay?" instead of "what do I need to build regardless?"
What to do instead:
Complete this sentence:
"Whether this relationship continues or not, I need to develop capacity for: __________"
Examples:
Why this helps: Capacity is portable. It serves you in this relationship and every one that follows. Outcome-chasing keeps you stuck in reaction mode. Capacity-building moves you toward agency.
This framework works best when used slowly.
Insight does not arrive all at once. It compounds over time. Rushing through content to find "the answer" usually prevents the answer from forming.
You can return to these exercises whenever urgency begins to override clarity. They will still be here. So will the rest of the framework.
You don't need to absorb everything today. You just need to start honestly.