Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — The Discomfort Challenge (Daily Practice)

Growth lives in discomfort. Seek it out once a day.

Instructions: Identify one thing today that you want to avoid because it is uncomfortable.

• Making that phone call.
• Going for a run in the rain.
• Sitting in silence for 10 minutes.

Do it. Acknowledging: "I am doing this because I am building capacity."

Exercise 2 — The "Relief vs. Growth" Audit (10 Minutes)

Look at your coping mechanisms.

Behavior	Is it Relief?	Is it Growth?
Calling Mom to vent	Yes	No
Journaling to analyze patterns	No	Yes
Drinking wine	Yes	No
Going to therapy	No	Yes
Stalking Ex on IG	Yes	No

Action: Pick one "Relief" behavior to eliminate this week. Pick one "Growth" behavior to double.

Exercise 3 — The Future Self Interview (10 Minutes)

1. Visualize yourself 5 years from now (Durable You).
2. Ask: "What is the most important skill you have that I don't have yet?"
3. Write down the answer. (e.g., "I don't take things personally.")
4. Ask: "How did you learn it?"
5. Write down the answer. (e.g., "By practicing with difficult people.")

Exercise 4 — The Pivot Statement

When you catch yourself in "Relief Mode" (whining, avoiding), use a Pivot Statement to switch gears.

The Statement: "I am feeling fragile right now. That is okay. But I choose to handle this with strength. What would a strong person do?"

Memorize it. Use it.

Exercise 5 — Skill Stacking (Long Term)

Identify 3 skills that will make you a better partner in the future (no matter who it is with).

1. (e.g., Listening without interrupting.)
2. (e.g., Managing financial stress.)
3. (e.g., Expressing needs clearly.)

Plan: Pick one. Find a book or podcast on it. Study it like a college course for 30 minutes this week.

Exercise 6 — The Growth Schedule (Weekly)

Schedule three growth blocks:

• One regulation practice
• One boundary practice
• One repair practice

Exercise 7 — The “Small Discomfort” Ladder

Create a ladder of 5 small discomforts. Start with the easiest and work up.

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: Research TODO: Add citations on skill acquisition and habit formation in recovery.

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Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.

Research & Clinical Sources

Key Sources

• Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.5
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1037/11435-000
• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
• Ten Brinke, L., et al. (2016). Moral psychology of dishonesty. Psychological Science, 27(1), 2–14.
• Christensen, A., et al. (2010). Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy. JCCP, 78(2), 193–204.