TruAlign

Exercises

Chapter 23: Closure Is Often a Myth

Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — The Forensic Analysis (5 Minutes)

You think you need their explanation. But you likely already have the data.

Instructions: Look at their behavior (not words) over the last 3 months of the relationship.

  • Did they prioritize you?
  • Did they communicate?
  • Did they pull away?

Write the Verdict based ONLY on behavior: "Based on the evidence, the relationship ended because: [Example: They stopped investing effort and prioritized their friends.]"

This is your closure. The behavior is the truth.

Exercise 2 — The Unsent Letter (20 Minutes)

This is a classic for a reason. You need to discharge the words.

  1. Write a letter to them. Say everything. Scream, cry, beg, explain. "It's unfair that..." "I hate that..." "I miss..."
  2. Do NOT send it. (Seriously. Sending it destroys the effect because you then wait for a reply).
  3. Read it out loud to yourself (or a friend). Hearing your own voice validate your pain is more powerful than hearing them do it.
  4. Destroy it. Burn it, shred it, delete it.

Why destroying matters: It signals to your brain that the message has been released, not stored.

Exercise 3 — The "Why" Matrix (10 Minutes)

You are stuck on "Why?". Let's answer it for them.

Write down the 3 most likely reasons they left:

  1. (e.g., They are avoidant.)
  2. (e.g., Looked for greener grass.)
  3. (e.g., We grew apart.)

Now look at the list.

  • Does knowing which one is "true" change the outcome? (No).
  • Does knowing "Why" fix the pain? (No).

Mantra: "The 'Why' does not change the 'What'. And the 'What' is that it is over."

Exercise 4 — The Final Scene Visualization (5 Minutes)

Your brain hates open loops. Close the loop visually.

  1. Close your eyes.
  2. Visualize a door. On the other side is your relationship with them.
  3. Visualize yourself standing in the doorway. You look back at the room. You say, "Goodbye."
  4. Visualize yourself stepping out and closing the door. Hear the click. Lock it.
  5. Turn around and walk down the hall toward a window with light coming in.

Do this whenever you find yourself ruminating. "I already closed that door."

Exercise 5 — The Verdict Acceptance (Daily Practice)

Catch yourself acting like a lawyer ("But I can prove they were wrong!"). Switch to acting like a judge ("The case is closed. The ruling is final.").

When you catch yourself arguing with a ghost: Say out loud: "The court is adjourned." Force your mind to switch topics.

Exercise 6 — The Three-Truths Check

Write three truths you can accept today:

  1. “It ended.”
  2. “I don’t need their explanation to heal.”
  3. “I can choose my next steps.”

Exercise 7 — The No-Contact for Clarity Week

For 7 days:

  • No messages, no checking, no “accidental” contact.
  • Each day, write one sentence about what you notice in your body.

: Research TODO: Add citations for rumination reduction and grief processing practices.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.

Research & Clinical Sources

Key Sources

  • Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.5
  • Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1037/11435-000
  • Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
  • Ten Brinke, L., et al. (2016). Moral psychology of dishonesty. Psychological Science, 27(1), 2–14.
  • Christensen, A., et al. (2010). Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy. JCCP, 78(2), 193–204.