TruAlign

Exercises

Chapter 21: What Healthy Reconciliation Looks Like

Reflection & Exercises

Exercise 1 — The Relationship Autopsy (20 Minutes)

You cannot fix what you don't understand. You must identify the "Cause of Death" for Relationship 1.0.

Instructions: Write down the top 3 dynamic patterns that led to the breakup. Be specific. Not "we fought," but "I would criticize their lack of ambition, and they would withdraw to play video games."

  1. Pattern A: _________________________________________________

    • My role: _________________________________________________
    • Their role: ______________________________________________

  2. Pattern B: _________________________________________________

    • My role: _________________________________________________
    • Their role: ______________________________________________

  3. Pattern C: _________________________________________________

    • My role: _________________________________________________
    • Their role: ______________________________________________

The Test: If you show this list to your partner, would they agree? If not, you are not ready to reconcile.

Exercise 2 — The "New Contract" (30 Minutes)

If you are restarting, you need new terms. This is a literal negotiation.

Draft your "Must Haves" for Relationship 2.0:

  • Example: "We must have a 20-minute check-in every Sunday night."
  • Example: "We are not moving back in together for at least 6 months."

Draft your "Deal Breakers" (The Exit Clause):

  • Example: "If you give me the silent treatment for more than 24 hours, the relationship ends."

Exercise 3 — The Probation Period Plan

Healthy reconciliation has phases. Define them.

Phase 1: Dating (Months 1-3)

  • Rules: No sleepovers every night. Keep separate hobbies. Focus on fun and talking.
  • Goal: Re-establish friendship.

Phase 2: Integration (Months 3-6)

  • Rules: Integrate friends. Discuss deeper future goals.
  • Goal: Test compatibility in the real world.

Phase 3: Commitment (Month 6+)

  • Rules: Discuss living situations/long term.
  • Goal: Full partnership.

Write your own timeline. Don't just slide back into marriage-level intensity on Day 1.

Exercise 4 — The "Why Now?" Interrogation

Ask yourself (and answer honestly): "Why do I want to try again right now?"

  • Is it because I'm lonely? (Bad reason)
  • Is it because I'm jealous they are dating? (Bad reason)
  • Is it because I genuinely see that we have both grown and the timing is now right? (Good reason)

If your answer is emotional relief, pause. If your answer is structural alignment, proceed.

Exercise 5 — The Evidence Log (14 Days)

Purpose: Track behavioral proof rather than promises.

Each day, write:

  • One action that shows accountability
  • One action that shows repair
  • One action that shows respect for boundaries

If you can’t log evidence for two weeks, you’re likely running on hope instead of change.

Exercise 6 — The Rebuild Scorecard

Rate each 0–10:

  • Regulation under stress
  • Repair after conflict
  • Mutual effort balance
  • Transparency (no hiding, no “tests”)
  • Pace (not rushed)

Total score under 30 = slow down or pause.

Exercise 7 — Repair Script Practice (10 Minutes)

Write and rehearse: “I’m noticing the old pattern. I’m going to pause, regulate, and return. I care about this and want to do it differently.”

Repeat this out loud until it feels natural.

: Research TODO: Add citations for structured reconciliation pacing and repair practices.

Clinical & Research Foundations

This chapter integrates findings from peer-reviewed psychiatry, psychology, and relationship science, including attachment theory, trauma research, sexual health medicine, and evidence-based couples therapy.

Research & Clinical Sources

Key Sources

  • Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Family Psychology, 14(1), 5–22. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.14.1.5
  • Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood. https://doi.org/10.1037/11435-000
  • Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
  • Ten Brinke, L., et al. (2016). Moral psychology of dishonesty. Psychological Science, 27(1), 2–14.
  • Christensen, A., et al. (2010). Integrative Behavioral Couple Therapy. JCCP, 78(2), 193–204.