Scenarios & Examples
Scenario 1 — You want to text them right now
What's happening:
You feel an urgent need to text them—to explain, to ask a question, to check in. The urge feels overwhelming and necessary. You think if you don't text them right now, something terrible will happen or you'll lose your chance.
This urgency is activation, not clarity. Your nervous system is activated, and it's making everything feel urgent. But most things that feel urgent aren't actually urgent.
What helps:
- Use the 24-hour rule: Wait 24 hours before sending. Most things feel less urgent after a day.
- Write it down instead: Write everything you want to say in a journal or notes app. Express it fully, but don't send it.
- Check in with your body: Notice your heart rate, breathing, tension. If you're activated, wait.
- Name what you're seeking: "I want to text them because I'm [lonely/anxious/need validation]." Acknowledge the need without acting on it.
- Practice regulation first: Use grounding techniques, breathing, or movement to regulate before deciding whether to text.
The goal isn't to never want to text them—it's to recognize when the urge is activation and choose to wait.
Scenario 2 — You need to decide whether to try again
What it's trying to regulate:
You feel like you need to decide right now whether to try again, reach out, or let go. The uncertainty feels unbearable, and you think making a decision will make you feel better.
But decisions made while activated are often regretted later. The urgency to decide is activation, not clarity. You can't make a good decision when your thinking brain is offline.
A replacement behavior:
- Wait until you're regulated: Don't make major decisions while activated. Give yourself time to regulate first.
- Write out your options: List the pros and cons, but don't decide yet. Just get your thoughts on paper.
- Talk to someone regulated: A friend, therapist, or support person who isn't activated can help you see things more clearly.
- Set a decision date: Give yourself a specific date to make the decision (e.g., "I'll decide in two weeks"). This creates space for clarity to return.
- Practice tolerating uncertainty: You don't need to know everything right now. You can wait for clarity.
The replacement behavior isn't about avoiding decisions—it's about making them from clarity, not activation.
Scenario 3 — You feel okay in the morning, activated at night
Explain pattern:
You feel relatively clear and regulated in the morning, but by evening you're activated, anxious, and making decisions you later regret. This pattern is common because:
- Morning: Your cortisol is naturally higher, which can mask activation. You've also had sleep, which provides some regulation.
- Evening: Your energy depletes, your defenses lower, and activation intensifies. You're also more likely to be alone, tired, and vulnerable.
Evening is when you're least able to regulate, which is exactly when activation feels most intense.
Stabilize plan:
- Morning routine: Start your day with regulation—breathing, movement, grounding. Set yourself up for success.
- Evening preparation: Before evening hits, have a plan. What will you do when activation intensifies? Have activities, people, or techniques ready.
- Evening routine: Create a consistent evening routine that supports regulation—reading, journaling, warm bath, relaxation techniques.
- Connection before isolation: If evenings are hardest, schedule a call with a friend or plan an activity that provides connection.
- Sleep hygiene: Improve your sleep to reduce evening vulnerability. No phone in bedroom, consistent bedtime, relaxation before sleep.
- Accept the pattern: Knowing that evenings will be harder helps you prepare instead of being surprised by it.
The stabilize plan isn't about eliminating the pattern—it's about supporting yourself through it so it becomes more manageable.
Scenario 4 — You want to have "the conversation" right now
Relief vs growth framing:
You feel an urgent need to have "the conversation"—to explain, to ask for answers, to get closure. You think if you can just talk to them, everything will make sense and you'll feel better.
This is relief-seeking, not growth. The conversation might provide temporary relief, but it won't address the underlying activation. And having the conversation while activated often makes things worse.
Growth approach:
- Wait until you're regulated: Don't have important conversations while activated. Give yourself time to regulate first.
- Prepare what you want to say: Write it down, practice it, but wait before having the conversation.
- Set boundaries: If they contact you while you're activated, use a script: "I'm not in a place to have this conversation right now. Can we talk tomorrow?"
- Focus on your clarity, not theirs: You can't control their response, but you can control whether you're regulated when you have the conversation.
- Notice the difference: When you can have the conversation from a place of clarity rather than activation, you're more likely to get what you need.
Growth means having conversations from clarity, not activation. Relief means having them to feel better right now.
Scenario 5 — You need to know why this happened
When it helps:
Wanting to understand what happened can help when:
- You're regulated and thinking clearly
- You're seeking understanding, not trying to change their mind
- You're ready to accept whatever answer you get
- You're not using it as a way to maintain contact or hope
In these cases, seeking understanding can provide clarity and help you move forward.
When it harms:
Wanting to know why can harm when:
- You're activated and not thinking clearly
- You're hoping the answer will change their mind or bring them back
- You're using it as an excuse to maintain contact
- You're not ready to accept the answer if it's not what you want to hear
- You're seeking relief from uncertainty rather than actual understanding
In these cases, seeking answers usually makes things worse—it keeps you activated, creates false hope, or confirms what you already know but aren't ready to accept.
What to do instead:
- Give yourself time: Wait until you're regulated before seeking answers. Most questions can wait.
- Process on your own first: Write letters you don't send, talk to a therapist, journal about what you need to understand. Often, you can find understanding without them.
- Accept that some questions don't have answers: Not every relationship ends with clear answers. Sometimes understanding comes from accepting that.
- Focus on your understanding, not theirs: Understanding yourself is more valuable than understanding them.
If you still want answers after time has passed and you've processed on your own, then consider seeking them. But if you're asking because activation makes you feel like you need to know right now, wait.
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